more ranting!

Stressfull week.. whats new! and when isnt it stressful!!...

But realy had family dilemas as usual caused by my violent layabout brother last weekend.. ended up arguing with my mum and came withen inches inches of telling her about my ocd.. but didnt..

See my ocd stems down to something that happend when i was nine.. which ultimetly stems down to choices my mum had made.. well no i should correct that my ocd was triggerd when i was nine.. but how do you tell your mum that?!..

'oh yeah mum btw im screwed up in the head big time.. have been hiding it from you for years''

besides she MUST know somethings up in there iv caught 'looks' from her.. yet shes never asked.. so i figure she has enough stress in her life.. as i mentioned my brother is an idiot hes 24 gets drunk all the time and spunges off mum.. maybe she wants to believe at least one of her childeren turned out well adjusted..

anway its been a busy week at work but still i feel myself been ever concious of the ocd and feeling totaly aware of making sure i dont set off in front of people..

i walked into toen a couple of times this week both times i felt the burning start.. the heart beat racing.. short of breath like id ran up 50 stairs.. i manage to halt full on panick attacks by focassing on something... anything even if its letting the ocd take over in my head i let it.. it stops the panick attacks flying out of all control, see i have out ward compulsions and repetitive thoughts...

Im not currently registered with a docter i havent been since i was a child.. see thats how much i do NOT do docters and medications and such.. but i looked at the docters close by that i wanted t go to.. that i think i would fele comfortable with because its just around the corner but there not taking any new patients.. so i have to look elsewere.. of course my head is telling mw that this is fate and i shouldnt go to the docters.. but there is a medical center about 20/30 ins walk away when i summon up more currage i will call them and see if there accepting new patients.

=(

I hate this i detest it.. and its not only haltering my life but also my bf's life.. cause him going out late at night sets me into so much worry the ocd feels like its breakdancing in my brain =( its awful for him because his social circle are night owls... but for now hes trying to understand and do what he can to help me... to ease my stress's..
but for how long? how long until he resents me for this.. for everything the ocd gives.. for not having a 'normal' gf..
He has to be the most wonderful man i could wish for.. he realy tries to understand me.. he cant he wont he'l never be able to.. and i trust the only people that will understand that statement is other ocd sufferers.. but he tries which is important to me.. he dosnt look at me like im crazy.. he makes me laugh.. he makes me laugh at myself.. even if it dosnt always help and actualy makes the 'episode' longer for the disruption.. it easies my mood.. though on the other hand he sets me off too.. sets the ocd breakdancing up top.. but he dosnt mean to and it seriously isnt his fault its the same as the other things set me off... my avoidence tells me to avoid everything.. iv thought numerous times wether it would be easier on my head to be alone.. but thats just it isnt it.. giving in to the ocd.

But how long until he resents this in me.. how long until he wants the simple life with a normal girl that s worthy of him?..
It'l happen one day i know it.. and i think if hes truthful to him self so does he.. do i blame him?.. no do i hell.. if i could run away from my head i would!..

It just get better dosnt it.. (sarcasm!)

Ah i recieved an informaion booklet this morning i got half way thorugh reading it before i got too upset with it all and had to stop for now.. i requested information from the ocd charity..

The research i have been doing this last couple of days sometimes i wish i had never found.. had never looked for.. had carried on naive as before.. at least then there was some faint hope if not realistic but what the hell is realistic about ocd?!?! but at least there was a faint hope that there WAS a mirricle cure out there..

Now i know the facts of the medication and threapy process's it literaly leaves me with out hope compleatly.
Im compleatly confused at which way to turn.. the drugs sound as decapitaitng as the ocd its self!.. i want to control my OWN mind not have it controlled.. not reley on medication for the rest of my life!.. not take pills that will make me feel like crap then take more drugs to counteract the side effects of those drugs..
Knowing that i will become realient on them because if i dont take them i will relapse.. thats if the drugs help me in the first place..

Plus the thought of knowing i was being controled by drugs i think would screw up my head as much as the ocd does anyway..

I HATE the thought of taking drugs.. i will not even take the mildest drugs recreationaly.. i want NEED to be in control of my own mind not have it controlled like some zombified robot!

But whats my option?.. carry on this way?
Then again i look to were i will be in another 13 years.. and trust me that isnt a nice place..

I know yes that some of what i am saying comes out of the ocd but im finding it hard right now to rationalise what is my 'own' thoughts on this matter and what is the ocd telling me its all pointless.. because through reading today i also believe i have BDD too.. kinda just gets better dosnt it!..

I dont need a docters diagnosis.. i know how i feel and i know i have ocd and BDD.. i just dont know what he hell to do about it.. anyof it.. and i dont think a docter could help..

as for the Bdd.. Body Dismorphic Disorder i have had an irrational notion that EVERYONE that ever looks at me judges me by my ugliness.. if i have a job interview.. i go in there already thinking that the interviewer will take one look and think shes to disgusting to employ... if i dont get the job i boil it down to my looks.. i blame that that im to gross to employ and such even though its irrational.. i think i put it down in someway to the ocd before i didnt realise there was a seperate strain for it..

When going someplace alone i have had panick attacks.. because i just feel everyones eyes on me burnin ginto me thinkin ghow ugle i am.. eventhough i KNOW its vain and stupid to think that people would look at you anyway.. but thats just how it is..
I cant even tell you what paticuler thing the bdd stems down to though i do know.. i cant say it im so disgusted by it.. i avoid social situations were i can because i feel this way..

I feel like such a wreck right now..

bad days

hard were to start today im my head is aching.. im tierd from lack of sleep hence iv a feeling today is gonna be a bad day.. im at work for 5 or 6 hours today im dreading it truthfully.. when its busy im ok dosnt give me time to 'think' when its not iv got to be contstantly 'aware' these days the last thing i need is to 'set off' in front of customers.. i wont let this ocd makeme unable to work i refuse and if that means its worse when im not working when im home then thats how it has to be..
Iv been been fighting one compulsion for the last few days.. its making me anxious its setting off the hitting.. but if i can fight each one one by one maybe ill win! or at least lesser the effects on my life..
I been doing that for the last 13 years i have gotton out of certain compusions that way.. but generaly there replaced with another..

right now im pretty much at the end of my tether.. i just want a normal brain.. i dont want to have to deal wit this every morning when i wake up until i sleep again..
ffs i want to go to the toilet with out it taking me 15 minutes because i flip out at the stairs i pass on the way..

iv ALWAYS been anti medication.. but recently iv been thinking about it.. because i just se no other way.. but atfer finding and reading other ocd sufferers and i see its no mirricle cure it dosnt take away the ocd only numbs your mind and replaces it with other symtoms.. i feel no hope..

maybe its depression taking over this morning but right now today yesterday i feel No hope..

I dont want to live in this mind for the rest of my life i cant do it.. im 22 now.. this has developed for 13 years.. thats more then half my life plus i remeber feeling depresson from around the age of 6.. iv never had just 'happiness with out anything weighing on my mind.. and if you think im being self pittying maybe i am maybe im resentful that i have to live this way and have dont for so fucking long..

If this is realy what i have to look forward too i dont want it!..

In another 13 years ill be 35 were will i be?.. here in this head hell?.. still fighting myself.. still hating myself feeling disgusted by myself feeling totaly worthless havig this ocd playing in my mind.. taunting me..

Ocd is just that it taunts.. its not like were full blown crazy.. insane.. like we do things and dont realise we do.. its not like our actions are involentery.. we KNOW what we do is pointless stupid.. we know it isnt gonna change a dan thing.. but can we stop? No.. so it taunts us shows us what life could be without it but we cant stop it..

Do you know what i want?

To read a book.. i want to read a book with out reading the same page over 50 times.. with out backing up on sentences incase i didnt read it propely..

i want to be able to make a cup of tea! with out getting the milk from the fridge screwing my head up..

just to be able to 'shut off' for ten minutes a day.. just sit and think about nothing at all.. empty my mind and shut up the constant racket of thoughts..

i just want peace..

peace in my head..

Im losing what strength i have for this now..

What affects me..

Obsessions..

Repeated unwelcome thoughts.. that something bad wil l happen to the people i love most in the world..

Compulsions all ruled by the above..

Having to get rid of those thoughts.. i cant think them no if i even think them then it will happen.. stop thinking stop thinking..

Fridges and freezers.. i cant see them they signify the D word.. i cant say it even trying to explain this to you so youl have to understand as best you can..

Stairs.. set me off.. which is hard because i live in a first floor flat.. takes me ages to get up the stairs.. i have to step up them go back down..up and down.. touching the basnisters and wall corners until it feels 'right'

when im tierd its worse with the stairs..

the colour red i cant use.. its hard even writing the word just then its already setting it off..

big boxes trunks also signify the D word.. i cant cope with anyhthing that signifys the D word.. even watching films ect were someone gets ill sets me off..

dustbins not because of germs.. i dont have the contamination worries.. because they also signify the D word..

things that arnt 'right' to me..

when something dosnt go as expected..

i have trouble even crossing the room.. it has to be just right everything has to feel right yet nothing does so i have to touch things smooth things.. stand up sit down stand up sit down until it feels right..

The worst compulsion in a case of the most dangerous the one that uspets me most is Hitting my self.. 'self harm' it started a few years ago.. light tapping my forehead to rid the thoughts.. its developed into full blown whacks.. my forehead is constantly visably bumpy.. my knuckels are hardend from the hitting and i have developed red permenant marks on the back on my hand which i use to hit my self.. i have constant headaches.. and sometimes when it goes realy back i hurt my hand by hitti gmy head to an extent of painful throbbing and brusiing..

i cant do anymore right now.. its too bad at the moment..

Strange..

I started this blog a few days ago.. its hard toblog about my ocd because my ocd is just that.. mine..
not because i want to keep it saviour it for my self.. because thats how i cope.. thats how ikeep it secret.. thats how i let the world percive me as somewhat 'normal' i shouldnt use that word i hate it.. but its the easiest way to explain sometimes..

But i recieved a comment today.. it shocked me i didnt expect it.. another ocd sufferer.. some one else that can actualy read what i say and understand... its like halleulya..

i dont know any other ocd sufferer's iv never spoken to any other ocd sufferers.. iv never spoken any docters about my ocd..
I cant bring myself too.. although this last year has brought me to a standstill were i KNOW i realy need to see a docter..

the ocd is trying hard to take over my life now.. and im fighing hard back attempting to not let it.. but reaslisticaly i know im getting no were i know i need help with this..

Just the thought of sitting down and speaking of this to a docter would set me off into a panick.. even if i could get that far i realy dont think i could.. my ocd is set off big time by stress..
and i know it would stress me so much even getting to the docters.. from the time i booked the appointment.. id stew on it at home.. waiting in the waiting room to go in would be hell.. i dont think i could do it..

Iv never wanted to take pills.. iv known i have ocd since i was around 14/15.. when i saw a programe on tv. i remeber bursting into tears because until then i had no idea what the hell was upwith me.. why i did these things even though i was totaly aware of how irrational i was being..

Medication though has been something that terrifys me..

Ocd IS an illness

BUT

Its not like having a tummy ache or a painful disease that you can take drugs for and the pain goes away.. the pain is in the mind.. the pain cant be 'healed'

So how do the drugs help?..

Prozac is a drug highly used for ocd, in a much higher dose then is used for depressives.. so what does that tell you?

Prozac is mind dulling and addictive enough for depsresives.. soo in a higher dose for ocd.. what the hell is that doing?..

The ONLY way i see medication being able to help ocd is by simply dulling the mind stopping the thought process.. but then you cant tap into the thought process and say oh yeah this bit is the ocd we'l turn that bit off.. its the mind in its entirity.. every thought will be numbed every thought will come through the medication and if the medication is realy strong enough to dull the ocd.. what is that doing to your none ocd thoughts?..

My dream is to go back and finish university.. have my dream carreer oneday.. to do that i need to get my ocd under some control.. but to do that with drugs.. mind numbing drugs?.. wont work for me. i oneday want to be a designer.. how on earth could i have a truley imagionative mind whilst my thoughts are controled by drugs?!..

though on the same sence how can i have an imaginative mind whilst my thoughts are being controleed by ocd.. whilsts the repeatin gin my head the obsessional thoughts are going over and over and over every waking minute of the day?..

Im stuck in between nothing and nowere..

annoyance

Ok i was looking for some links to official medical ocd sites to add in the links section here.. reading through some of the pages realy irritated me..

GET IT RIGHT OR DONT WRITE IT! ok!

these sites getting there information wrong is so dangerous..

though i guese someone could read my page and say no shes wrong.. but remeber what i write is about me and my experiance not ocd as a whole.. i will occasionaly refer to other symptoms such as the common ones which dont effect me like contamination ect.. but for the most part this is me..

though i did find some useful sites too.. some information on them shocked me and litteraly left me stunned and upset.. i had a cry..

see my symptoms vary from the 'norm' from the synptoms you hear about as common ocd..

though they are still masked by the same causes..

but one thing i read today that i thought was one of my oddities that i couldnt imagine anyone one else suffering from.. is colours..

the colour red red for instance i cant use the colour red because it signifys blood and blood signifys death.. even writing those two words is setting my compusions off... shit i hate this.. how can i record this honestly if when i try to write something thats spcific to me it sets me off...

First post..

To start with this will be a record for myself just a place to work through my Ocd and be compeatly honest and truthful.. at least to begin with to the greatest extent i can with the ocd still controlling my thoughts and feelings and actions..

I find it extreamly hard to openly speak of my compulsions, obsessions.. thoughts.. and what drives them.. but i will be leaving this as a public blog.. wether i give the address for this to anyone i know i doubt very much... at least not until i accept and stop feeling so ashamed of having ocd..

I leave this as a public blog because i hope in some way my telling my story might help someone else that suffers too..