Reply to comments on previous post,

Ok Firstly, the comments left by 'anonyomous' im taking it as its the same 'anonymous' person to leave both comments, because i refuse to believe there could be more then one bonsai brained judgmentle fool that reads blogs for the sake of leaving comments for the sole purpose of attempting to upset the writer,


Anonymous said...

kit you are not the only one in the world suffering from this get over yourself and get some help
January 28, 2006 3:47 PM

Anonymous said...

you need to stop being the victim and do something about it if you can't live this way and you you don't believe in therapy or medication shut the fuck UP!
January 28, 2006 3:51 PM

ok firstly, i know full well i am not the only person living with ocd, i know full well i am not the only person to feel the serverity of ocd, mine is no more importent or less important then anyone else, i have never declared so, besides the fact this ISNT a compition! Secondly this is MY blog, MY space were i do and WILL continue to write about how I feel at that particulour time, that is what i write here for, i write here for MYSELF not you, 'get over your self'! excuse me i think you need to get over your own self importance before offering advice like that to others,
As for the second comment,
Then what utter crap
Victom!?! i dont see my self as a victom you ignorant fool, i have an ILLNESS! simple, yes i drown in self pity occasionaly, if youd done your research you might realise DEPRESSION runs along side ocd and bdd, you wake up hating the fuck outta yourself everyday yet trying to portrey normality to everyone around you, see how it makes you feel, now if i choose to use a bit of empty web space in which to do that i will, if i saw myself as a victom i woulda given up already,
and as for the meds and Therapy, Reread the blog, when did i once say i didnt BELIEVE in either?!
My reseaerch on therapy Gives nothing but good results, the waiting lists in the uk to get therapy are huge, the waiting lists in the uk for anything simeler are huge,

My deal with medication is my fear of becoming realient on it, that dosnt fix anything it only hides it awhile,

My deal with actualy getting help in the first place is the OCD! ffs, i personaly cannot 'talk' face to face about it, how on earth i would walk into a docters surgery and get help seems an impossible thought to me and i know full well i would have a panick attack before i even got to the surgery, alot of ocds live in avoidence of such tasks because they cause so much head stress, you realy wouldnt undertand that obviously, i want help! i just dont see a way around getting it at the moment!

but as i already said this IS my space, and i will continue to write as i do, if i have a bad day ill write about it, if you see that as 'self pity' or whatever, dont read my blog again, i dont ask you too,

Been reading up on some of the ocd sites that are out there, and they so annoy me, (havent checked up on the link Mcreadie gave me yet but i will after iv ranted! heh) alot of them are just so black and white, and from what im learning i dont think there is anything black and white about this, they are so blatently written by someone that has never been affected by ocd,
I dont feel there is a single person uneffected that could realy and truley understand this, another reason going to the docters about this is so hard, they can read all the books they like, read all the research reports, but i still feel as though they'd just look at me as though i were insane, i know i know thats probley not true, but dosnt make it any easier,

My ocd is made up of both compulsions and obsessions, thoughts of bad things happening, compulsions telling me if i follow them it will prevent the bad things happening, but not just that, its everything, if something dosnt 'feel' right i have to make it feel right, if im walking and i tread on something or theres something in my path, i have to back up and rewalk, over and over til its 'right' i have thoughts i repeat in my head over and over again, to attempt to block the spontanious bad thoughts, the bad thoughts are so compleatly all consuming and distressing, there constant, i cant say or even type certain words, even if i hear certain words, i have to make amends for it, be it by compulsions or repeating in my head, to look at certain colours have attachments to 'bad things' so they cause distress, using certain colours is near impossible,
Watching movies with *bad things* in movies (which i also cant mention!) is a no no, worrying ALL the time, that somethings gonna happen, not to me to people i care about, that if they go out this might happen or that might happen, if i cant get hold of them when i try to my head flips into outta space!, i 'know' its compleatly irrational, dosnt make it any the less stressful =/
objects, things, and even appliencies which i cant even 'say' or type mess with my head, everything mess's with my sodding head it seems!!!!! =/

but i kinda need to quit this now! bah sodding head!

Im writing here now because i just read a comment on one of my posts telling me 'not to hate my ocd but to embrace it' i snapped! i got to mad at that, im sorry i feel i was harsh in my reply to it, but i dont know who left it it was an anonymous msg, i dont know were that persons experiance lyes with ocd, so my reply might well be unfair,
In that though i do stand by what i say, i do HATE ocd, i hate it with every ounce i can musta, it will never be something i embrace, i just 'deal' i deal in whatever way i can each day, if something made your life a misery day in day out, would you embrace it?, hatng the ocd isnt a good thing, but what else am i supposed to do?, i resent that i have it i resent that iv had it so long i resent how it affects me, and what it does to my life.

Im not a hate ful person, hate is a wasted emotion the only person it affects is you, but then atleast its under my controll unlike the ocd.

So im still fighting myselfto come clean to the people around me, whats hard isnt so much in telling my freinds, its more in telling my family, and just blatently having to deal with questions and such,

My ocd is bad right now, its always bad to be honest, but it was my birthday on sunday, and none of the plans for the weekend went according to plan, and theres been alot of stress on my shoulders, its impossible for me right now to keep my head still!,

Its so parralizing at times, all i can say is thank the lord for technolegy! having a laptop beside me, a remote for the tv and a portable phone are a heavens save at these times, because even so much as walking across the room is a majer task, its so stressfull even going to the loo! because i have to pass stairs and walls and corners of walls that all have there own hold over me, and compulsions that need to be carried outso for that split second my brain can settle until it moves onto the next thing!

What i would like to know, if there is anyone out there reading this who has ocd, is just how much does it effect you?, as in is it constant in your mind or can you do your 'thing' and then it leaves you alone for awhile?, do you wake up in the morning with the 'thoughts' instantly in your mind? them leading to the obsesions and compulsions before youve even woken up propely?can you kiss your partener with out amillion other unrelated thoughts running through your mind, do you ever get any peace?
I dont, it is litteraly constant in my mind, never letting up never forgetting, no peace, just this constant wracket, i kiss my bf and am still having thoughts and following compulsions, im thinking about something and the ocd is there trying to shout louder it seems, i would litteraly get on my knees and beg for just ten minues a day were its not there, were i can kiss Danny and soley concentrate on him, just him,

Writing this blog depresses me! it makes me face what i try and forget, iv lived with ocd for so long now it is life, it is how things are, dosnt mean i like it, dosnt mean im not incredibly angry that i face this everyday, it just 'is' i try my damdest to get on with the ocd and with my life as best i can, sometimes the two clash and ocd wins hands down!

the other thing is BDD 'body dismorphic disorder' now that is a painful one, i see my self as the ugliest person in the world! litteraly how ever crazy and dumb it seems when someone looks at me, my brain tells me there thinking ''Woah shes ugly!!!!!'' if someone comes close to me i start into a panick attack! i boil over and my breathing becomes realy rapid, then i feel dirty, smelly, like there thinking how ugly disgusting and stinky i am! i have to get out of the situation how ever which way i can, if someone compliments me, i instanly feel as though there taking the micky, and actualy thinking ''shes looks like shit!''
ya know in reality i know im nothing special, i know im not even to be classed as pretty!, but couild i realy be as disgusting as i feel to myself?

This is all mind games, but why? i often think i could rid myself of ocd if i just 'stopped' if i just snatched the control back and refusaed to follow the compulsions, and ignored the thoughts and obsessions, after all im not crazy, i know what i do is irrational, but it realy is impossible to stop, there is no way,
yes its all volentary actions, BUT its like breathing, breathing is a voluntary action, but have you ever tried just stopping, just not taking in the air, how hard is that? to hold it for any period of time, thats the same as the ocd, following the compusions is as nessesary as breathing.

I cant sleep tonight though im incedibly tierd, my brain just wont shut the hell up!

Had a horrible row with my mum earlier so my heads in a spin, so as im laid here thinking i thought i might aswell blog in somesence to maybe distract from the 'thoughts' so here i am,

but what iv been wondering is who infact am i? i have no idea to wear my charector is me and were it is ocd controlled, being as ocd started for me as a child of nine iv had it for over half my life through all the important teenage years wear your charector is realy cemented, so would i be a compleatly different person had ocd nevver got a hold of me? would i still hate my self and feel compleatly worthless to the world? who knows, whats the point in looking back? on wishing for what coulda been? if my life had taken a different path if i was a different person, maybe i would never have met danny, do you know the amount of times i have wished i didnt have ocd, the amount of times the obsessions and compulsions have broke me into a wreck of tears while hitting my head and walking up and down the stairs over and over again as one step outta place one wrong touch of the floor with my feet one wrong touch of the wall and banister sends me all the way back to the brginning, over and over again while all the time knowing how irrational it was, but if i didnt have ocd would i be me? who is me? i dont understand what danny loves about me, i dont understand what danny sees when he tells me im beautiful.
Im trying withthe whole opening up thing, its hard, im afraid, im afraid my freinds dismiss it and tell me to get my act together, im afraid they try and offer advice when they just dont understand it, im afraid they dont understand what severe ocd means, that it isnt just a giggle at oddities like having thinngs staight, we used to giggle at my nanna cause things had to be 'just right' but this isnt like that, that i could cope with! this is evey waking moment of every day, till i fall asleep the moment i wake up my head is jabbering horrible distressing thoughts at me, its insanity gone wrong! they forgot to stick in the bit were we realy are actualy insane! instead they let us know were following compulsions and thoughts that have no real relevence, sadistic bastards!
argh,

it still stikes me when i read one of your blogs or you leave me a message that i am not alone that there are other people that suffer this too, when youve felt as alone with this as i have it kind of feels like noone in the world could understand, and then there you are all of audden theres support just a blog away,

I cant sleep tonight though im incedibly tierd, my brain just wont shut the hell up!

Had a horrible row with my mum earlier so my heads in a spin, so as im laid here thinking i thought i might aswell blog in somesence to maybe distract from the 'thoughts' so here i am,

but what iv been wondering is who infact am i? i have no idea to wear my charector is me and were it is ocd controlled, being as ocd started for me as a child of nine iv had it for over half my life through all the important teenage years wear your charector is realy cemented, so would i be a compleatly different person had ocd nevver got a hold of me? would i still hate my self and feel compleatly worthless to the world? who knows, whats the point in looking back? on wishing for what coulda been? if my life had taken a different path if i was a different person, maybe i would never have met danny, do you know the amount of times i have wished i didnt have ocd, the amount of times the obsessions and compulsions have broke me into a wreck of tears while hitting my head and walking up and down the stairs over and over again as one step outta place one wrong touch of the floor with my feet one wrong touch of the wall and banister sends me all the way back to the brginning, over and over again while all the time knowing how irrational it was, but if i didnt have ocd would i be me? who is me? i dont understand what danny loves about me, i dont understand what danny sees when he tells me im beautiful.
Im trying withthe whole opening up thing, its hard, im afraid, im afraid my freinds dismiss it and tell me to get my act together, im afraid they try and offer advice when they just dont understand it, im afraid they dont understand what severe ocd means, that it isnt just a giggle at oddities like having thinngs staight, we used to giggle at my nanna cause things had to be 'just right' but this isnt like that, that i could cope with! this is evey waking moment of every day, till i fall asleep the moment i wake up my head is jabbering horrible distressing thoughts at me, its insanity gone wrong! they forgot to stick in the bit were we realy are actualy insane! instead they let us know were following compulsions and thoughts that have no real relevence, sadistic bastards!
argh,

it still stikes me when i read one of your blogs or you leave me a message that i am not alone that there are other people that suffer this too, when youve felt as alone with this as i have it kind of feels like noone in the world could understand, and then there you are all of audden theres support just a blog away,

2006!

Well heres 2006!

*cheers* (raises sunkist orange pop!)

Well christmas went past in a blur of business though it was nice, spent time with my mum and mollie, and with danns family, worked the evening christmas night, news years was fun also had freinds round until daybreak the next day two nights running, didnt getdrunk on either occasion mores the piy but hey ho,

lotsa stuff going on at the moment though, my heads at bursting point, i made a few new years resolutions this year, the old usual 'diet' (never happens! infact im curently contemplating ordering a lovely cheesy garlic bread takeaway!) sort the house out, at the moment we have two bedrooms including our own overrun by boxes carpet rolls and junk theres still masking tape on the picture rail from decorationg when we moved in around 3years ago! and also to sort 'me' out, be it anyway i can, pills docters, phychiatrists, how ever i can get some ease from the head hell, i want it, i need it, because its not fair especialy n danny my partener, he trys so hard to do whats right to try and ease my stress's, he stays home when realy he wants to go to his freinds, because he knows my 'worrying' will drive me nuts while hes gone,
But its not an easy thing to do 'ask for help' especialy when your as secretive as i am about this, but im working on being more honest, im working on letting it be out in the open, its not easy,
The ocd has mucked up so much for me already, and now im leavinf uni again because iv had too much time off for ocd head fucks, too much stress trying to catch with the work, the ocd gets a hold and whoop viciosu circle, bah
as i said lotsa stuff going on possiblr chane in job coming, or even loss of job, stress with family as per usual,

I just wanna stop worrying!
Its so utterly exhausting.