It just get better dosnt it.. (sarcasm!)
Ah i recieved an informaion booklet this morning i got half way thorugh reading it before i got too upset with it all and had to stop for now.. i requested information from the ocd charity..
The research i have been doing this last couple of days sometimes i wish i had never found.. had never looked for.. had carried on naive as before.. at least then there was some faint hope if not realistic but what the hell is realistic about ocd?!?! but at least there was a faint hope that there WAS a mirricle cure out there..
Now i know the facts of the medication and threapy process's it literaly leaves me with out hope compleatly.
Im compleatly confused at which way to turn.. the drugs sound as decapitaitng as the ocd its self!.. i want to control my OWN mind not have it controlled.. not reley on medication for the rest of my life!.. not take pills that will make me feel like crap then take more drugs to counteract the side effects of those drugs..
Knowing that i will become realient on them because if i dont take them i will relapse.. thats if the drugs help me in the first place..
Plus the thought of knowing i was being controled by drugs i think would screw up my head as much as the ocd does anyway..
I HATE the thought of taking drugs.. i will not even take the mildest drugs recreationaly.. i want NEED to be in control of my own mind not have it controlled like some zombified robot!
But whats my option?.. carry on this way?
Then again i look to were i will be in another 13 years.. and trust me that isnt a nice place..
I know yes that some of what i am saying comes out of the ocd but im finding it hard right now to rationalise what is my 'own' thoughts on this matter and what is the ocd telling me its all pointless.. because through reading today i also believe i have BDD too.. kinda just gets better dosnt it!..
I dont need a docters diagnosis.. i know how i feel and i know i have ocd and BDD.. i just dont know what he hell to do about it.. anyof it.. and i dont think a docter could help..
as for the Bdd.. Body Dismorphic Disorder i have had an irrational notion that EVERYONE that ever looks at me judges me by my ugliness.. if i have a job interview.. i go in there already thinking that the interviewer will take one look and think shes to disgusting to employ... if i dont get the job i boil it down to my looks.. i blame that that im to gross to employ and such even though its irrational.. i think i put it down in someway to the ocd before i didnt realise there was a seperate strain for it..
When going someplace alone i have had panick attacks.. because i just feel everyones eyes on me burnin ginto me thinkin ghow ugle i am.. eventhough i KNOW its vain and stupid to think that people would look at you anyway.. but thats just how it is..
I cant even tell you what paticuler thing the bdd stems down to though i do know.. i cant say it im so disgusted by it.. i avoid social situations were i can because i feel this way..
I feel like such a wreck right now..
The research i have been doing this last couple of days sometimes i wish i had never found.. had never looked for.. had carried on naive as before.. at least then there was some faint hope if not realistic but what the hell is realistic about ocd?!?! but at least there was a faint hope that there WAS a mirricle cure out there..
Now i know the facts of the medication and threapy process's it literaly leaves me with out hope compleatly.
Im compleatly confused at which way to turn.. the drugs sound as decapitaitng as the ocd its self!.. i want to control my OWN mind not have it controlled.. not reley on medication for the rest of my life!.. not take pills that will make me feel like crap then take more drugs to counteract the side effects of those drugs..
Knowing that i will become realient on them because if i dont take them i will relapse.. thats if the drugs help me in the first place..
Plus the thought of knowing i was being controled by drugs i think would screw up my head as much as the ocd does anyway..
I HATE the thought of taking drugs.. i will not even take the mildest drugs recreationaly.. i want NEED to be in control of my own mind not have it controlled like some zombified robot!
But whats my option?.. carry on this way?
Then again i look to were i will be in another 13 years.. and trust me that isnt a nice place..
I know yes that some of what i am saying comes out of the ocd but im finding it hard right now to rationalise what is my 'own' thoughts on this matter and what is the ocd telling me its all pointless.. because through reading today i also believe i have BDD too.. kinda just gets better dosnt it!..
I dont need a docters diagnosis.. i know how i feel and i know i have ocd and BDD.. i just dont know what he hell to do about it.. anyof it.. and i dont think a docter could help..
as for the Bdd.. Body Dismorphic Disorder i have had an irrational notion that EVERYONE that ever looks at me judges me by my ugliness.. if i have a job interview.. i go in there already thinking that the interviewer will take one look and think shes to disgusting to employ... if i dont get the job i boil it down to my looks.. i blame that that im to gross to employ and such even though its irrational.. i think i put it down in someway to the ocd before i didnt realise there was a seperate strain for it..
When going someplace alone i have had panick attacks.. because i just feel everyones eyes on me burnin ginto me thinkin ghow ugle i am.. eventhough i KNOW its vain and stupid to think that people would look at you anyway.. but thats just how it is..
I cant even tell you what paticuler thing the bdd stems down to though i do know.. i cant say it im so disgusted by it.. i avoid social situations were i can because i feel this way..
I feel like such a wreck right now..
posted by .. at 1:11 AM
2 Comments:
Kit,
As someone who has lived with OCD for a very long time now, I know exactly what you are talking about now. I have been in the same place before. Many times. I don't have any advice to pass on that won't sound tired and trite but what works for me in general is that when fighting this war in my mind with my mind gets to be overwhelming and everything seems bleak is to remember that all I have to do is survive until the end of the day. Nothing more then that. If tomorrow is as dark as today then all I have to do is survive until the end of that day. But that's tomorrows problem. Today I have to get through whatever challenges the OCD puts in the path I am on.
For many years before I was diagnosed and a few after I raged against this personal hell I lived in. I raged against all the loss it caused me and all the things it prevented me from doing. All I could see was the loss. And the future looked worse to me then the present. All I could see was loneliness and fear and had no hope.
Then I experienced some major upheavals in my life and I found myself alone, unemployed, and living on disability. Pretty much what my vision of the future had always been. It was pretty ugly for awhile but to my surprise I found I wanted to keep on living and all I knew was that what ever I had done in the past was not working so I needed to try something different. The single biggest and to date best thing I have done was to stop living in isolation. If OCD is anything it is isolating. I doubt 3 or 4 people on the planet had any clue what was going on with me back then. In fact most people thought, that while I was something of an enigma, I was the most laid back person they knew. Heh! We can sure act well.
There is an old saying I like that goes. "My mind is like a bad neighborhood-it's someplace you don't want to go alone." So I made a choice to start being more open and did small things like start my first website about OCD and through that met others with this disorder. Just knowing there were others was almost intoxicating at first. I was not alone. A small thing but huge. What you are doing with this blog is an excellent start. I still have severe OCD. It is still disabling. It still keeps me from doing many of the things I want or could be doing. But I continue to find things I can do that I will do in spite of the OCD. I won't let it keep me a total prisoner. I win some battles I lose some battles and I fight to a draw most of the time. But I will not let it take from me what I have right now and what I have right now is today. Sometimes today sucks. But even people without OCD experience that.
I am no fan of medications myself but I have tried ALL the medications used for OCD singly, in combinations, and some lesser used ones as well. The side effects are not fun. If any of them had reduced my symptoms to any large degree those side effects would have been much more tolerable. Unfortunately for me they did nothing for the OCD. That puts me in the minority as most folks get some relief. I know OCD people that have almost complete remission of symptoms on medications, some on very low doses with no side effects. But any positive result from the medications lasts only as long as you are on them. They are not a cure. And that is why any competent doctor will also recommend getting into CBT along with the meds or by itself. The results from CBT while not as easily obtained as taking a pill (or a whole lot of pills) tends to last for a long time and you can do it on you own once you learn it. The problem of course with CBT is that it is damned hard to do. And though it works for the majority of people it does not work for everyone even if they can do it. Even though I fall into the category of folks that CBT has not worked well for (and believe me I have tried it) It has given me techniques to help stop new obsessions from starting a lot of the time. Which is no small thing.
I don't know why it is we have to deal with this. Why we have this disorder. I don't know if there is a why. A wise old man once told me when I was complaining about how unfair it was, that "life is very fair, it treats everyone like crap.". Living with OCD is tiring, isolating and if we let it, it can suck all the joy out of life. I just try to not let it do that anymore. I take then energy I used to spend raging against having this thing and spend it trying to take back my life.
I still have hope that there will come a treatment that works well for everyone, that doesn't have unacceptable side effects, that there might even be a cure. But I don't live on an expectation of that.
I would encourage you to try some of the treatment options. If medications seems too unacceptable now at least give CBT a run. It really does work and works well for most people, though it will probably be the hardest thing you have ever tried.
Take good and gentle care,
Nelson
Hello! Is there a better seller of event tickets than ticketmaster?
I really need this info..Thanks :)
Post a Comment
<< Home