Strange..

I started this blog a few days ago.. its hard toblog about my ocd because my ocd is just that.. mine..
not because i want to keep it saviour it for my self.. because thats how i cope.. thats how ikeep it secret.. thats how i let the world percive me as somewhat 'normal' i shouldnt use that word i hate it.. but its the easiest way to explain sometimes..

But i recieved a comment today.. it shocked me i didnt expect it.. another ocd sufferer.. some one else that can actualy read what i say and understand... its like halleulya..

i dont know any other ocd sufferer's iv never spoken to any other ocd sufferers.. iv never spoken any docters about my ocd..
I cant bring myself too.. although this last year has brought me to a standstill were i KNOW i realy need to see a docter..

the ocd is trying hard to take over my life now.. and im fighing hard back attempting to not let it.. but reaslisticaly i know im getting no were i know i need help with this..

Just the thought of sitting down and speaking of this to a docter would set me off into a panick.. even if i could get that far i realy dont think i could.. my ocd is set off big time by stress..
and i know it would stress me so much even getting to the docters.. from the time i booked the appointment.. id stew on it at home.. waiting in the waiting room to go in would be hell.. i dont think i could do it..

Iv never wanted to take pills.. iv known i have ocd since i was around 14/15.. when i saw a programe on tv. i remeber bursting into tears because until then i had no idea what the hell was upwith me.. why i did these things even though i was totaly aware of how irrational i was being..

Medication though has been something that terrifys me..

Ocd IS an illness

BUT

Its not like having a tummy ache or a painful disease that you can take drugs for and the pain goes away.. the pain is in the mind.. the pain cant be 'healed'

So how do the drugs help?..

Prozac is a drug highly used for ocd, in a much higher dose then is used for depressives.. so what does that tell you?

Prozac is mind dulling and addictive enough for depsresives.. soo in a higher dose for ocd.. what the hell is that doing?..

The ONLY way i see medication being able to help ocd is by simply dulling the mind stopping the thought process.. but then you cant tap into the thought process and say oh yeah this bit is the ocd we'l turn that bit off.. its the mind in its entirity.. every thought will be numbed every thought will come through the medication and if the medication is realy strong enough to dull the ocd.. what is that doing to your none ocd thoughts?..

My dream is to go back and finish university.. have my dream carreer oneday.. to do that i need to get my ocd under some control.. but to do that with drugs.. mind numbing drugs?.. wont work for me. i oneday want to be a designer.. how on earth could i have a truley imagionative mind whilst my thoughts are controled by drugs?!..

though on the same sence how can i have an imaginative mind whilst my thoughts are being controleed by ocd.. whilsts the repeatin gin my head the obsessional thoughts are going over and over and over every waking minute of the day?..

Im stuck in between nothing and nowere..