Hello!
its been awhile hasnt it.. various reasons for that realy.. maybe the whole 'anonymous' business did put me off writing how i feel and so forth.. as much as i can pretend otherwise it does did and will continue to bother me.. im ocd! for pitsy sake im a worrier.. what people think of me is an issue to me a bigger one then i would ever lik eit to be.. and i try my darndest to pretend other wise.. but bah..
anyway..
Been a harsh month realy as far as things go.. wrting this right now is taking more effort then it ever should.. you know writing the words out but it not feeling right so im going back and deleating it and rewriting it exactly the same way! ugh its annoying!..

but its late and when im tierd its worse so its my fault i should be in bed but im avoiding the task of the stairs because im tierd and its so draining just walking up the damed stairs! (i have issues with stairs in case you hadnt guesed!)

Things have been worse i guese because of change stress and stuff this month.. mums moved pubs (shes a publican) iv moved jobs.. and this past week iv had this uncredibe headache a full on throbbing behind my left eye.. iv had a couple of nights were iv had to do nothign apart from lay in silence with something over my eyes to block out light.. but it seems to be easy a bit now.. its gotta be tension and stuff.. but when you have a full on compulsion to hit your own head it dosnt help in the slightest! obviously!

Iv picked up the phone so many time sthis month to call docters.. mostly i dial the number and put the phone straight down! a couple of time i actualy got it to ring! but they didnt pick up!.. so i still havent got that sorted.. i have searched for support groups in my area to no avail im afraid.. and i have come to the decision to be open and honest and to try and stop being so ashamed of myself, i decided i would come clean to friends because the ocd has been realy quite paralizing this last few weeks iv not been socialbe at all.. and got a bit of a lecture from a friend over a messenger the other night makes me feel bad making up excuses not to do stuff.. and they know there excuses but just htinkim being lazy! so as soon as i talk this through with a docter and suss out some kinda way forward.. im gonna be honest to friendsr too...

oh another thing im having issues with right now which worries me becuase although iv always had concerns they wernt realy badly obsessive about germs.. at the moment the whole 'germs' thing is gettin to me.. such as i had a packet of crisps on the bar the other day.. and a customer helped himself to one.. i looked at the packet after woods and i could hardly bare to even touch the packet to throw them away! there was no question i couldnt eat them after his germ ridden hand had been inside there.. but not to be able to pick them up with out cringing is abit excessive i think.. thats just one recent incident.. theres been others that are a point of concern for me.. it just tells me again. that i cannot carry on alone in this.. and i realy have got a fixed mind now to try any which way of easing this thing..

Had a few too many set toos with danny recently too.. ocd related.. beign a worrie means i cant make decisions which is a strain.. liek silly things even not llife changing decisions heck id have no hope! but like the other night we were deciding what to have with dinner potaos or chips.. danny wanted me to make a decision cause he wasnt fussed either way.. i kept telling him i didnt mind but he kept on at me.. but ya see i cant even make that desicion because if i said chips then he would have gone out to the chip shop and if anything had of happend that would of been my fault and because i wanted chips.. yet if i said potatos that would mean him using the oven and had he burnt him self on the oven that woulda been my fault.. get it?

i explaind this to him but he dosnt understand not realy.. he tries..