bad days
hard were to start today im my head is aching.. im tierd from lack of sleep hence iv a feeling today is gonna be a bad day.. im at work for 5 or 6 hours today im dreading it truthfully.. when its busy im ok dosnt give me time to 'think' when its not iv got to be contstantly 'aware' these days the last thing i need is to 'set off' in front of customers.. i wont let this ocd makeme unable to work i refuse and if that means its worse when im not working when im home then thats how it has to be..
Iv been been fighting one compulsion for the last few days.. its making me anxious its setting off the hitting.. but if i can fight each one one by one maybe ill win! or at least lesser the effects on my life..
I been doing that for the last 13 years i have gotton out of certain compusions that way.. but generaly there replaced with another..
right now im pretty much at the end of my tether.. i just want a normal brain.. i dont want to have to deal wit this every morning when i wake up until i sleep again..
ffs i want to go to the toilet with out it taking me 15 minutes because i flip out at the stairs i pass on the way..
iv ALWAYS been anti medication.. but recently iv been thinking about it.. because i just se no other way.. but atfer finding and reading other ocd sufferers and i see its no mirricle cure it dosnt take away the ocd only numbs your mind and replaces it with other symtoms.. i feel no hope..
maybe its depression taking over this morning but right now today yesterday i feel No hope..
I dont want to live in this mind for the rest of my life i cant do it.. im 22 now.. this has developed for 13 years.. thats more then half my life plus i remeber feeling depresson from around the age of 6.. iv never had just 'happiness with out anything weighing on my mind.. and if you think im being self pittying maybe i am maybe im resentful that i have to live this way and have dont for so fucking long..
If this is realy what i have to look forward too i dont want it!..
In another 13 years ill be 35 were will i be?.. here in this head hell?.. still fighting myself.. still hating myself feeling disgusted by myself feeling totaly worthless havig this ocd playing in my mind.. taunting me..
Ocd is just that it taunts.. its not like were full blown crazy.. insane.. like we do things and dont realise we do.. its not like our actions are involentery.. we KNOW what we do is pointless stupid.. we know it isnt gonna change a dan thing.. but can we stop? No.. so it taunts us shows us what life could be without it but we cant stop it..
Do you know what i want?
To read a book.. i want to read a book with out reading the same page over 50 times.. with out backing up on sentences incase i didnt read it propely..
i want to be able to make a cup of tea! with out getting the milk from the fridge screwing my head up..
just to be able to 'shut off' for ten minutes a day.. just sit and think about nothing at all.. empty my mind and shut up the constant racket of thoughts..
i just want peace..
peace in my head..
Im losing what strength i have for this now..
Iv been been fighting one compulsion for the last few days.. its making me anxious its setting off the hitting.. but if i can fight each one one by one maybe ill win! or at least lesser the effects on my life..
I been doing that for the last 13 years i have gotton out of certain compusions that way.. but generaly there replaced with another..
right now im pretty much at the end of my tether.. i just want a normal brain.. i dont want to have to deal wit this every morning when i wake up until i sleep again..
ffs i want to go to the toilet with out it taking me 15 minutes because i flip out at the stairs i pass on the way..
iv ALWAYS been anti medication.. but recently iv been thinking about it.. because i just se no other way.. but atfer finding and reading other ocd sufferers and i see its no mirricle cure it dosnt take away the ocd only numbs your mind and replaces it with other symtoms.. i feel no hope..
maybe its depression taking over this morning but right now today yesterday i feel No hope..
I dont want to live in this mind for the rest of my life i cant do it.. im 22 now.. this has developed for 13 years.. thats more then half my life plus i remeber feeling depresson from around the age of 6.. iv never had just 'happiness with out anything weighing on my mind.. and if you think im being self pittying maybe i am maybe im resentful that i have to live this way and have dont for so fucking long..
If this is realy what i have to look forward too i dont want it!..
In another 13 years ill be 35 were will i be?.. here in this head hell?.. still fighting myself.. still hating myself feeling disgusted by myself feeling totaly worthless havig this ocd playing in my mind.. taunting me..
Ocd is just that it taunts.. its not like were full blown crazy.. insane.. like we do things and dont realise we do.. its not like our actions are involentery.. we KNOW what we do is pointless stupid.. we know it isnt gonna change a dan thing.. but can we stop? No.. so it taunts us shows us what life could be without it but we cant stop it..
Do you know what i want?
To read a book.. i want to read a book with out reading the same page over 50 times.. with out backing up on sentences incase i didnt read it propely..
i want to be able to make a cup of tea! with out getting the milk from the fridge screwing my head up..
just to be able to 'shut off' for ten minutes a day.. just sit and think about nothing at all.. empty my mind and shut up the constant racket of thoughts..
i just want peace..
peace in my head..
Im losing what strength i have for this now..
posted by .. at 12:21 PM
2 Comments:
Heya Kit,
From one sufferer to another - please, please hang in there, sweetheart. From reading your entry on Incertus site it looks as though you've had problems making contact with other sufferers. Rest assured, there are a lot of us out here - just many keep quiet because it's hard enough to have it in your head the whole time (I suffer from the 'pure-o' strain) w/o then typing about it as well. Or, as it was with me for 7 years, you feel ashamed of it because you don't realise you're not in control of your own thoughts - that it is an illness and not you. My particular obsessions are what are known as 'H-OCD' and 'P-OCD' - Homosexual and Paedophilic. Both far more common then I ever realised, but both kinda awful.
A few things:
First, please check out my blog. The address is http://spaces.msn.com/members/things2doinbristol/
We suffer from different types of OCD but I hope you'll find enough in my history to help you in some way. It's also a good place to talk and let it all out - I tend not to hold back there and have realised that there are so many people out there who do sympathise and see past the symptoms to the illness underneath.
Also, there are various suffers site links on my blog - please check out Stuck In A Doorway and OCD-UK, as I think they may help. Both are great communities and forums, where there are suffers of all kinds of strains willing to share their experiences and offer help.
By the look of your blog, you've clearly already done some research and know the basics. There are good books on Amazon...The 'OCD Workbook' may be good, as it's the one used for CBT by the psychologists. Also I've been told 'Brain Lock' is good.
Something else - and believe me, I really do know how hard it is. Please, if you can, work on tryin to see your doctor about it. Yes, some throw Prozac, Diazipam and the like at you, which often aren't the answer for anymore then a short-term comedown. BUT what you will get prescribed - with the right GP - are SSRIs, drugs intended to treat the chemical imbalance in the serotonin that many people (including me) believe causes this. Also, once there, you can start going for CBT - cognitive behavourial therapy - which I think may work really well for your OCD. The way I approached mine was to type up a brief summary of what my life was like....the things that bothered me....what i thought triggered me off at the beginning....typical behaviour etc...and type it as if I was saying it - and then I gave that to my GP, telling him simply 'read it - then you'll understand why I can't say it'. Be straight, be honest and be sure he's aware that you realise how stupid the things are that you do - but you just can't stop. Yours is classic OCD.
Can it be cured? No - i don't think so. I've had mine in its full form for 8 years now, and been treated for 18 months. It's a long process and an area still fairly unknown to the experts. From what I've read, it's an imbalance that can be triggered and made develop, but is far more difficult to bring down - and can probably never be fully levelled out. BUT it can be controlled with medication and CBT to a point where it doesn't endlessly dominate you.
That's my bit said - I really hope to see you on my blog sometime. Would be good to know you've found help and support (will keep checking yours, of course). Hope I've helped a little,
Matty
Thankyou Matty i have been trying to leave a comment on your blog but im finding it almost impossible.. =/
you have helped.. although if i could be the only sufferer in the world i would be to stop others having to deal with this crap it is comforting to now i am not alone.. i apprieicate your comment alot..
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