An attempt at an explanation..

I wonder how to explain ocd.. i sit for so long just thinking about ways to make people understand what ocd is, I wish i could be open i wish i could tell people why i avoide partys gatherings.. new people.. ect.. i wish i could be honest.. i wish i didnt have to avoid people when i see them spontainiously.. i wish it didnt set me off into panick when i walk past people.. i wish i didnt feel everyones eyes on me, judging me,, feeling disgusted by me.. i wish i could stand next to someone withouth boiling up into a panick attack because my head tells me the person thinks im dirty or i smell.. or there embarrassed to be near me.. i wish my head wouldnt conjure up awful imaiges and thoughts of terrible things happeing to people i care about at the flick of a switch (litteraly!( i wish i could put the lid on a bottle close the fridge even say the word fridge or box or other words i cannot even type! because my brain tells me sayng them and doing them means i want the horrible thoughts to happen!.. i wish my mind would shut up.. i wish it didnt have to go round and round repeating the same sentence over and over to counteract the thoughts its throwing at me.. i wish i didnt have to follow stupid rituals and ticks and compulsions to stop the thoughts coming true.. i wish i didnt have to go over and over the same senctence in a book 50 times to make sure i read it propely!.. i wish i could use or even look at certain colours! that in my mind relate to the horrible imigies meaning i cant use look or wear them colours!.. I wish i could walk up and down my stairs with out backing up on myself however many times before i reach the top!..
I wish i could type without deleatingwhole sentences because the 'feel' wrong then retyping it exactly the same way 5 times.. i wish i could write witout blacking over letters by writing over them numerous times..
I wish i didnt burn with embarrassment at the thought of people knowing im 'ocd' I wish i didnt recoil in shame at the thought of my family finding out..
I wish i could kiss my boyfriend without a million other things goin ground in my head.. i wish i didnt have to hit my head to get rid of the thoguhts.. i wish the thoguths would go away..
i wish i didnt have to shake them outtas my head.. I wish i could close boxes.. i which i could close doors.. i wish i could turn off lights!..

I wish the simple things like making a cuppa tea wernt made so damn hard by all of the above!..

But ya know i cope.. i cope because you have to cope.. i cope because iv learnt to cope.. its not easy.. every day is hard.. every day is stressfull.. some more so some less so..

on a bad day.. ill wish i hadnt woken up in the morning..

on a good day.. i'll be gratful it wasnt 'SO' bad..