Wednesday, December 20, 2006

An attempt at an explanation..

I wonder how to explain ocd.. i sit for so long just thinking about ways to make people understand what ocd is, I wish i could be open i wish i could tell people why i avoide partys gatherings.. new people.. ect.. i wish i could be honest.. i wish i didnt have to avoid people when i see them spontainiously.. i wish it didnt set me off into panick when i walk past people.. i wish i didnt feel everyones eyes on me, judging me,, feeling disgusted by me.. i wish i could stand next to someone withouth boiling up into a panick attack because my head tells me the person thinks im dirty or i smell.. or there embarrassed to be near me.. i wish my head wouldnt conjure up awful imaiges and thoughts of terrible things happeing to people i care about at the flick of a switch (litteraly!( i wish i could put the lid on a bottle close the fridge even say the word fridge or box or other words i cannot even type! because my brain tells me sayng them and doing them means i want the horrible thoughts to happen!.. i wish my mind would shut up.. i wish it didnt have to go round and round repeating the same sentence over and over to counteract the thoughts its throwing at me.. i wish i didnt have to follow stupid rituals and ticks and compulsions to stop the thoughts coming true.. i wish i didnt have to go over and over the same senctence in a book 50 times to make sure i read it propely!.. i wish i could use or even look at certain colours! that in my mind relate to the horrible imigies meaning i cant use look or wear them colours!.. I wish i could walk up and down my stairs with out backing up on myself however many times before i reach the top!..
I wish i could type without deleatingwhole sentences because the 'feel' wrong then retyping it exactly the same way 5 times.. i wish i could write witout blacking over letters by writing over them numerous times..
I wish i didnt burn with embarrassment at the thought of people knowing im 'ocd' I wish i didnt recoil in shame at the thought of my family finding out..
I wish i could kiss my boyfriend without a million other things goin ground in my head.. i wish i didnt have to hit my head to get rid of the thoguhts.. i wish the thoguths would go away..
i wish i didnt have to shake them outtas my head.. I wish i could close boxes.. i which i could close doors.. i wish i could turn off lights!..

I wish the simple things like making a cuppa tea wernt made so damn hard by all of the above!..


But ya know i cope.. i cope because you have to cope.. i cope because iv learnt to cope.. its not easy.. every day is hard.. every day is stressfull.. some more so some less so..

on a bad day.. ill wish i hadnt woken up in the morning..

on a good day.. i'll be gratful it wasnt 'SO' bad..

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kit,

Yep. At it's very best living with OCD makes everything we do, think, even dream harder. Damn hard. If we want any kind of life we cope. We get through the day and try to find the good in it. It sucks but the alternative is worse.

I don't think it is possible to explain to anyone who does not have OCD what it is like. You have to live it to know it and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

N
Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt. William Shakespeare

December 21, 2006 5:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know your name, I don't know who you are, I don't know your story....
I do know that as I sit here delirious at 4:00am reading your post, I feel absolutely overwhelmed with empathy and understanding. I keep re-reading your stream of throughts (intentionally and unintentionally LOL), and I am just so taken aback by how deeply I can relate to this frustration and suffering.
No normal person will ever be able to understand what its like to be one of us.
Oh the frustration in trying to explain the experience! I am deeply saddened when I realize truly how many people around the world are suffering like us.. Can you imagine those in impovershed countries... with all the challenges they already have in life, and to have to face OCD every day?

ughh.. anyways, I thank you for expressing your feelings and raising awareness of this terrible condition...

and for the post.... I believe each once one of us has screamed something similar into our pillow at one time.....

sam

December 28, 2006 4:25 AM  
Blogger .. said...

Neither would i Incertus, its just plane fustrating that they cant understand.. last night for instance.. i got realy drunk! (was new year) Dannys sister asked me about the bumps on my forehead.. in my drunkenness i told her i had ocd, (which is going round and roung in my head as regret now!) but anyway.. i didnt explain it all just a little she didnt give me the chance before she butted in with 'have you been diagonosed proply by docters?.. 'no?' well it dosnt sound like ocd to me..''

quite laughable if it wasnt totaly fustrating at the same time..

As if docter know whats going on in my head more then i do..

and 'dosnt sound like ocd'

thats cause ocd to the 'normal' people of the world consists of washing hands lots, thats about it.

bah oh well..

drunkeness isnt the best place to tell people things like this!..

xx

January 01, 2007 1:51 PM  
Blogger .. said...

Thankyou Sam.. for Stumbling past my post at 4am in the morning!.. and thankyou for your comment..

I feel you do understand and can relate to the 'wish list' im sorry for that!.. because that means you live your life struck down by the same stuff as me.. different but the same.. ya know.. you too have my empathy.. as does everyone in the world going into this new year with ocd, there are so many.. which is something at first i found comforting.. to not to be alone.. but then realising to not be alone means all these other people suffering this 'mind deiese' too
which is a horrible thought...

xx

January 01, 2007 1:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

being a "normal" person to all of you, especially you kit, i feel really sorry for you.
but wat exactly classfifies as an ocd? i know you aid that some people think of an ocd sufferer as one who just wants to washtheir hands over an dover....but what about those who dont?
wat else is classified?
and wat does ocd sufferers have to put up with each day?

not trying to be ironic or sarcastic, or upsetting or insulting...just filled with curiosity

May 16, 2008 10:14 PM  
Blogger mavis said...

hey i just read your post..i can relate so much ,i'm suffering pure -o ocd right now and have been for the last 4 years,throughout this time my worries/spikes have morphed..i feel like i'm constantly battling with my self,i don't like what the ocd is saying ,and feel so self disguisted i break down and cry every now & then ,which doesn't help as i can't explain to anyone
my parents simply say 'if you have nothing to worry about you invent something' i am so ridden with fear anxiety,self disguist,doubt and depression..i jsut wish it would end

June 24, 2008 4:55 AM  
Blogger mavis said...

hey i just read your post..i can relate so much ,i'm suffering pure -o ocd right now and have been for the last 4 years,throughout this time my worries/spikes have morphed..i feel like i'm constantly battling with my self,i don't like what the ocd is saying ,and feel so self disguisted i break down and cry every now & then ,which doesn't help as i can't explain to anyone
my parents simply say 'if you have nothing to worry about you invent something' i am so ridden with fear anxiety,self disguist,doubt and depression..i jsut wish it would end

June 24, 2008 4:55 AM  
Anonymous Aly. said...

I dont know if anyone is actually going to see this.. but i happen to come across it.. :(

I feel your guys pain so much im in grade 10 and realized i had OCD about a year ago now but i have had it for about a good 2 years.

Its the worst thing that has ever happened to me, i know what you mean Kit when you say i wish i could kiss my boy friend with out a million other things going through my had

But ive learned that you have to have faith and be strong i know we all wish we could press a button and it would dissapear but its not that easy `:(
but sadly knowing that other people have this makes us stronger knowing that were not alone although i would not wish this on my worst enemy. Never!
anyways i just thought i would add what i had to say
Thanks for the comments :) Will get through this!

Maybe God gave us this or whom ever because were strong enough to go through with it..

May 24, 2009 11:02 AM  
Blogger .. said...

These Comments Are old now, and i havent Blogged in a long time, but i stumbled back on here, and i just wanted to Thankyou all for the support, and in return i offer support back, Aly, Through my teen years i found Ocd expectialy confusing, and alienating, i feel foryou,

I hope by now, all of you are in soem way dealing, improving or at the very least, having soem breaks from the ocd..

kit

February 09, 2011 3:51 PM  

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