So im still fighting myselfto come clean to the people around me, whats hard isnt so much in telling my freinds, its more in telling my family, and just blatently having to deal with questions and such,
My ocd is bad right now, its always bad to be honest, but it was my birthday on sunday, and none of the plans for the weekend went according to plan, and theres been alot of stress on my shoulders, its impossible for me right now to keep my head still!,
Its so parralizing at times, all i can say is thank the lord for technolegy! having a laptop beside me, a remote for the tv and a portable phone are a heavens save at these times, because even so much as walking across the room is a majer task, its so stressfull even going to the loo! because i have to pass stairs and walls and corners of walls that all have there own hold over me, and compulsions that need to be carried outso for that split second my brain can settle until it moves onto the next thing!
What i would like to know, if there is anyone out there reading this who has ocd, is just how much does it effect you?, as in is it constant in your mind or can you do your 'thing' and then it leaves you alone for awhile?, do you wake up in the morning with the 'thoughts' instantly in your mind? them leading to the obsesions and compulsions before youve even woken up propely?can you kiss your partener with out amillion other unrelated thoughts running through your mind, do you ever get any peace?
I dont, it is litteraly constant in my mind, never letting up never forgetting, no peace, just this constant wracket, i kiss my bf and am still having thoughts and following compulsions, im thinking about something and the ocd is there trying to shout louder it seems, i would litteraly get on my knees and beg for just ten minues a day were its not there, were i can kiss Danny and soley concentrate on him, just him,
Writing this blog depresses me! it makes me face what i try and forget, iv lived with ocd for so long now it is life, it is how things are, dosnt mean i like it, dosnt mean im not incredibly angry that i face this everyday, it just 'is' i try my damdest to get on with the ocd and with my life as best i can, sometimes the two clash and ocd wins hands down!
the other thing is BDD 'body dismorphic disorder' now that is a painful one, i see my self as the ugliest person in the world! litteraly how ever crazy and dumb it seems when someone looks at me, my brain tells me there thinking ''Woah shes ugly!!!!!'' if someone comes close to me i start into a panick attack! i boil over and my breathing becomes realy rapid, then i feel dirty, smelly, like there thinking how ugly disgusting and stinky i am! i have to get out of the situation how ever which way i can, if someone compliments me, i instanly feel as though there taking the micky, and actualy thinking ''shes looks like shit!''
ya know in reality i know im nothing special, i know im not even to be classed as pretty!, but couild i realy be as disgusting as i feel to myself?
This is all mind games, but why? i often think i could rid myself of ocd if i just 'stopped' if i just snatched the control back and refusaed to follow the compulsions, and ignored the thoughts and obsessions, after all im not crazy, i know what i do is irrational, but it realy is impossible to stop, there is no way,
yes its all volentary actions, BUT its like breathing, breathing is a voluntary action, but have you ever tried just stopping, just not taking in the air, how hard is that? to hold it for any period of time, thats the same as the ocd, following the compusions is as nessesary as breathing.
My ocd is bad right now, its always bad to be honest, but it was my birthday on sunday, and none of the plans for the weekend went according to plan, and theres been alot of stress on my shoulders, its impossible for me right now to keep my head still!,
Its so parralizing at times, all i can say is thank the lord for technolegy! having a laptop beside me, a remote for the tv and a portable phone are a heavens save at these times, because even so much as walking across the room is a majer task, its so stressfull even going to the loo! because i have to pass stairs and walls and corners of walls that all have there own hold over me, and compulsions that need to be carried outso for that split second my brain can settle until it moves onto the next thing!
What i would like to know, if there is anyone out there reading this who has ocd, is just how much does it effect you?, as in is it constant in your mind or can you do your 'thing' and then it leaves you alone for awhile?, do you wake up in the morning with the 'thoughts' instantly in your mind? them leading to the obsesions and compulsions before youve even woken up propely?can you kiss your partener with out amillion other unrelated thoughts running through your mind, do you ever get any peace?
I dont, it is litteraly constant in my mind, never letting up never forgetting, no peace, just this constant wracket, i kiss my bf and am still having thoughts and following compulsions, im thinking about something and the ocd is there trying to shout louder it seems, i would litteraly get on my knees and beg for just ten minues a day were its not there, were i can kiss Danny and soley concentrate on him, just him,
Writing this blog depresses me! it makes me face what i try and forget, iv lived with ocd for so long now it is life, it is how things are, dosnt mean i like it, dosnt mean im not incredibly angry that i face this everyday, it just 'is' i try my damdest to get on with the ocd and with my life as best i can, sometimes the two clash and ocd wins hands down!
the other thing is BDD 'body dismorphic disorder' now that is a painful one, i see my self as the ugliest person in the world! litteraly how ever crazy and dumb it seems when someone looks at me, my brain tells me there thinking ''Woah shes ugly!!!!!'' if someone comes close to me i start into a panick attack! i boil over and my breathing becomes realy rapid, then i feel dirty, smelly, like there thinking how ugly disgusting and stinky i am! i have to get out of the situation how ever which way i can, if someone compliments me, i instanly feel as though there taking the micky, and actualy thinking ''shes looks like shit!''
ya know in reality i know im nothing special, i know im not even to be classed as pretty!, but couild i realy be as disgusting as i feel to myself?
This is all mind games, but why? i often think i could rid myself of ocd if i just 'stopped' if i just snatched the control back and refusaed to follow the compulsions, and ignored the thoughts and obsessions, after all im not crazy, i know what i do is irrational, but it realy is impossible to stop, there is no way,
yes its all volentary actions, BUT its like breathing, breathing is a voluntary action, but have you ever tried just stopping, just not taking in the air, how hard is that? to hold it for any period of time, thats the same as the ocd, following the compusions is as nessesary as breathing.
posted by .. at 7:06 PM
3 Comments:
hey kit my name is Tara and i suffer from severe ocd too but thank god for prozac it saved my life maybe you should look into that i was just like you it took over my life every waking second literally ever since i can remember i have suffered with this dark plague it just surrounds you like you are being hunted and there is no way out no matter what you do it is lurking around the corner laughing at you and waiting to pounce on you but PROZAC was the answer to my prayer it took almost all of it away yet i still do my counting and touching and some checking but i would say it took 80% aside from the side affects wich are very mild and almost not even there i can actually hold a job down now and that is a big thing for me but hey i gotta get going thanx for listening to what i had to say and keep your head up
I suffer from O.C.D most of my friends think I am wierd I went to theropy and saw all the other people get rid of their ocd but I could not get rid of mine I got a little better but then I got worse I wash my hands, avoid unlucky numbers like the plag and because of me washing my hands all the time I have a skin condition on my hands from washing them all the time with diturgent. I think that this is a really great site for people suffering from OCD and for people without OCD
I am also struggling with OCD. It effects every aspect of my day and effects my every decision. Often it is a hindrance. However, I am learning to control it by using http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ocd. I hope this is helpful!
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