I cant sleep tonight though im incedibly tierd, my brain just wont shut the hell up!
Had a horrible row with my mum earlier so my heads in a spin, so as im laid here thinking i thought i might aswell blog in somesence to maybe distract from the 'thoughts' so here i am,
but what iv been wondering is who infact am i? i have no idea to wear my charector is me and were it is ocd controlled, being as ocd started for me as a child of nine iv had it for over half my life through all the important teenage years wear your charector is realy cemented, so would i be a compleatly different person had ocd nevver got a hold of me? would i still hate my self and feel compleatly worthless to the world? who knows, whats the point in looking back? on wishing for what coulda been? if my life had taken a different path if i was a different person, maybe i would never have met danny, do you know the amount of times i have wished i didnt have ocd, the amount of times the obsessions and compulsions have broke me into a wreck of tears while hitting my head and walking up and down the stairs over and over again as one step outta place one wrong touch of the floor with my feet one wrong touch of the wall and banister sends me all the way back to the brginning, over and over again while all the time knowing how irrational it was, but if i didnt have ocd would i be me? who is me? i dont understand what danny loves about me, i dont understand what danny sees when he tells me im beautiful.
Im trying withthe whole opening up thing, its hard, im afraid, im afraid my freinds dismiss it and tell me to get my act together, im afraid they try and offer advice when they just dont understand it, im afraid they dont understand what severe ocd means, that it isnt just a giggle at oddities like having thinngs staight, we used to giggle at my nanna cause things had to be 'just right' but this isnt like that, that i could cope with! this is evey waking moment of every day, till i fall asleep the moment i wake up my head is jabbering horrible distressing thoughts at me, its insanity gone wrong! they forgot to stick in the bit were we realy are actualy insane! instead they let us know were following compulsions and thoughts that have no real relevence, sadistic bastards!
argh,
it still stikes me when i read one of your blogs or you leave me a message that i am not alone that there are other people that suffer this too, when youve felt as alone with this as i have it kind of feels like noone in the world could understand, and then there you are all of audden theres support just a blog away,
Had a horrible row with my mum earlier so my heads in a spin, so as im laid here thinking i thought i might aswell blog in somesence to maybe distract from the 'thoughts' so here i am,
but what iv been wondering is who infact am i? i have no idea to wear my charector is me and were it is ocd controlled, being as ocd started for me as a child of nine iv had it for over half my life through all the important teenage years wear your charector is realy cemented, so would i be a compleatly different person had ocd nevver got a hold of me? would i still hate my self and feel compleatly worthless to the world? who knows, whats the point in looking back? on wishing for what coulda been? if my life had taken a different path if i was a different person, maybe i would never have met danny, do you know the amount of times i have wished i didnt have ocd, the amount of times the obsessions and compulsions have broke me into a wreck of tears while hitting my head and walking up and down the stairs over and over again as one step outta place one wrong touch of the floor with my feet one wrong touch of the wall and banister sends me all the way back to the brginning, over and over again while all the time knowing how irrational it was, but if i didnt have ocd would i be me? who is me? i dont understand what danny loves about me, i dont understand what danny sees when he tells me im beautiful.
Im trying withthe whole opening up thing, its hard, im afraid, im afraid my freinds dismiss it and tell me to get my act together, im afraid they try and offer advice when they just dont understand it, im afraid they dont understand what severe ocd means, that it isnt just a giggle at oddities like having thinngs staight, we used to giggle at my nanna cause things had to be 'just right' but this isnt like that, that i could cope with! this is evey waking moment of every day, till i fall asleep the moment i wake up my head is jabbering horrible distressing thoughts at me, its insanity gone wrong! they forgot to stick in the bit were we realy are actualy insane! instead they let us know were following compulsions and thoughts that have no real relevence, sadistic bastards!
argh,
it still stikes me when i read one of your blogs or you leave me a message that i am not alone that there are other people that suffer this too, when youve felt as alone with this as i have it kind of feels like noone in the world could understand, and then there you are all of audden theres support just a blog away,
posted by .. at 6:59 PM
9 Comments:
Interesting... you say that with your nanna things had to be 'just right'. I'm the only one in my family with OCD but there are others with OCD traits... not enough to be OCD or cause them discomfort or problems but I think OCD can run in families.
Hope you get some sleep :)
I'm having some problems getting this comment to stick. I hope you don't get it twice... sorry.
Interesting... you say that with your nanna things had to be 'just right'. I'm the only one in my family with OCD but there are others with OCD traits... not enough to be OCD or cause them discomfort or problems but I think OCD can run in families.
Hope you get some sleep :)
Yeah sounds the same as with me and my family, my nannas had to have things 'just right' such as pictures on walls had to be perfectly even, 'things' HAD to go back in there correct places, my mum throws away the top biscuit every time she opens a packet of new biscuits, but neither could be said to have ocd, but sure the traits,
there is evidence that says ocd can run in familys isnt there, maybe it just gets worse over the generations, or as other evidence indicates which is true to form with me, it takes some majour inccident in life to set it off, maybe my mum and Nanna were stronger minded then me and ocd could never take a real hold, i dunno, its interesting that it runs in familys though, makes me think twice about ever having children of my own, my partener has traits too but again no obsessions and nothing more then can be passed off as quirks such as not stepping on cracks, like a kid that never grew up realy! but with my full blown ocd and his traits would having children be fair, i think ill have to research the family link more closey before i made a decision on that, ugh rambling in a comment box now arnt i!
sorry!
i did get some sleep in the end, a few hours at least =)
I know what you mean about having kids. We don't have any but OCD does put me off kids for a couple of reasons. Mainly, like you say, they could end up with OCD and I wouldn't want to pass that on. The other is because of my contamination obsessions, how could I be normal with them? Kids are so messy they freak me out.
Glad you got some sleep. That's where I'm heading soon but it could be hard because it's hot... we've had summer weather today :)
Kit, I know exactly how you feel. I have been suffering with OCD for as long as I can remember. I also suffer with Anxiety,Major Depression, and Personality Trait Disorder and it fucking SUX and I want you to know you are definiteley not alone and there are lots of us and it is very frustrating that know one that is normal understands. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 over five years and I love him so much. He had know idea what was wrong with me but he learned slowly that is actually a severe condition. He stuck it out when I didn't have medication and I think that is truly honorable of him. If I was him I don't think I would have stayed and I think it is great that you have a great person in your life like that. We are here for a reason and don't forget that and it doesn't mean we are stupid or retarded we are just extra special people that can handle a disorder like this. If a normal person just all of a sudden came down with OCD they would kill them selves for sure I know it. But hey keep your head up and Fucking deal with it we can do it. Hey and it will be OK.
Hey I had my story on Incertus.com using the name Lily..Thanks for your comment. I hope we find our way through OCD and become better people because of it..it gives us an edge into understanding people and being more compassionate to peoples so called flaws or faults, we are all human and were not perfect..we shouldnt pretend we are. Having OCD makes us want to understand those around us better and have more patience because we would want the same in return. Again thanks..and thanks for this site..it helps bring people awareness.
hi judy thankyou for that, i hope too that everyone with ocd can find there way, eiher through it, or even just to find there way to cope, iv hoped for years there was some magic cure and i could be 'normal' im striving to find my way of coping, i dont ever see an end to my ocd, its got in to deep, 13 years its had to work is way into every tiny crevis there is for it to go with me, there is no magic cure, unfortunetly,
I so understand your story i get the bad 'thoughts' too, there horrible and so distressing, i repeat things over and over in my head, just to try and make them go away, but for me its not just the occasional thought its constant, every waking moment, aswell as compulsions, I hate ocd with everything i am, and i feel for yourself and everyone affected by ocd with my heart,
kit
Don't hate it embrace it!!!!!!
Im sorry i dont understand your comment of dont hate it embrace it! there is not one ounce of ocd that i would want to embrace, i do hate it and i feel i have every right to,
When you have lived with this shit in your head addtecting every aspect of your life and every relationship you ever form with any one including yourself, come back and offer your advice, until then you have no right to tell me not to hate it, im sorry.
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