I cant sleep tonight though im incedibly tierd, my brain just wont shut the hell up!
Had a horrible row with my mum earlier so my heads in a spin, so as im laid here thinking i thought i might aswell blog in somesence to maybe distract from the 'thoughts' so here i am,
but what iv been wondering is who infact am i? i have no idea to wear my charector is me and were it is ocd controlled, being as ocd started for me as a child of nine iv had it for over half my life through all the important teenage years wear your charector is realy cemented, so would i be a compleatly different person had ocd nevver got a hold of me? would i still hate my self and feel compleatly worthless to the world? who knows, whats the point in looking back? on wishing for what coulda been? if my life had taken a different path if i was a different person, maybe i would never have met danny, do you know the amount of times i have wished i didnt have ocd, the amount of times the obsessions and compulsions have broke me into a wreck of tears while hitting my head and walking up and down the stairs over and over again as one step outta place one wrong touch of the floor with my feet one wrong touch of the wall and banister sends me all the way back to the brginning, over and over again while all the time knowing how irrational it was, but if i didnt have ocd would i be me? who is me? i dont understand what danny loves about me, i dont understand what danny sees when he tells me im beautiful.
Im trying withthe whole opening up thing, its hard, im afraid, im afraid my freinds dismiss it and tell me to get my act together, im afraid they try and offer advice when they just dont understand it, im afraid they dont understand what severe ocd means, that it isnt just a giggle at oddities like having thinngs staight, we used to giggle at my nanna cause things had to be 'just right' but this isnt like that, that i could cope with! this is evey waking moment of every day, till i fall asleep the moment i wake up my head is jabbering horrible distressing thoughts at me, its insanity gone wrong! they forgot to stick in the bit were we realy are actualy insane! instead they let us know were following compulsions and thoughts that have no real relevence, sadistic bastards!
argh,
it still stikes me when i read one of your blogs or you leave me a message that i am not alone that there are other people that suffer this too, when youve felt as alone with this as i have it kind of feels like noone in the world could understand, and then there you are all of audden theres support just a blog away,
Had a horrible row with my mum earlier so my heads in a spin, so as im laid here thinking i thought i might aswell blog in somesence to maybe distract from the 'thoughts' so here i am,
but what iv been wondering is who infact am i? i have no idea to wear my charector is me and were it is ocd controlled, being as ocd started for me as a child of nine iv had it for over half my life through all the important teenage years wear your charector is realy cemented, so would i be a compleatly different person had ocd nevver got a hold of me? would i still hate my self and feel compleatly worthless to the world? who knows, whats the point in looking back? on wishing for what coulda been? if my life had taken a different path if i was a different person, maybe i would never have met danny, do you know the amount of times i have wished i didnt have ocd, the amount of times the obsessions and compulsions have broke me into a wreck of tears while hitting my head and walking up and down the stairs over and over again as one step outta place one wrong touch of the floor with my feet one wrong touch of the wall and banister sends me all the way back to the brginning, over and over again while all the time knowing how irrational it was, but if i didnt have ocd would i be me? who is me? i dont understand what danny loves about me, i dont understand what danny sees when he tells me im beautiful.
Im trying withthe whole opening up thing, its hard, im afraid, im afraid my freinds dismiss it and tell me to get my act together, im afraid they try and offer advice when they just dont understand it, im afraid they dont understand what severe ocd means, that it isnt just a giggle at oddities like having thinngs staight, we used to giggle at my nanna cause things had to be 'just right' but this isnt like that, that i could cope with! this is evey waking moment of every day, till i fall asleep the moment i wake up my head is jabbering horrible distressing thoughts at me, its insanity gone wrong! they forgot to stick in the bit were we realy are actualy insane! instead they let us know were following compulsions and thoughts that have no real relevence, sadistic bastards!
argh,
it still stikes me when i read one of your blogs or you leave me a message that i am not alone that there are other people that suffer this too, when youve felt as alone with this as i have it kind of feels like noone in the world could understand, and then there you are all of audden theres support just a blog away,
posted by .. at 6:59 PM
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