Its been such a long time since i posted here, i guese in somekind of avoidence of depression, iv lived with ocd for so long now its life, i cant remeber life before ocd, i cant remeber wether i was ever stress free, my earliest memory is of seeing my father beat my mum up, from there i try to remeber things positive things rather then all the bad, but there all shadowed by somthing i cant realy explain, something dark, im past the point of hating, theres no pointin hating ocd, theres no point in hating that it effects me, its there, i have to face it and deal with it, thinking about it, writing about it, forces me to face it, facing it depresses me as much as i wish it didnt, i try to go about a normal life as if there is nothing wrong with me, i wont let people know about my ocd, thats my avoidence, and isnt that ocd winning?!
It is, it is beating me, right now its bad, somedays are better then other, but then the smallest of stress's drag me right down again, its so tiresome,

from the minute i wake upuntil the minute i go to sleep its there hounding me!

I wish i could be open

i wish i could stop feeling ashamed

But to tell people would leave me open, and the way my head works is fucked up anyway and im not sure if that would make everything twenty time worse!

how do people react? iv never met anyone with ocd, Or have i? and they just keep it a secret to?

I dont even know how togo into a docters surgery andask for help!
i cant even face that as much as i try i cant,
the ocd takes its grip and i just cant,