New year new er me? i wish!

i had/have all these plans and asperations for this new year of ours.. 2007.. would be the year i get a hold of ocd by its guey tenticles and sling back were it came from.. a couple of problems with that plan, 1, im not sure ocd has tenticles to grab a hold of, 2, were the hell did it come from?.. and er 3, maybe iv bene wathicng too much smallvile,

but realisticly i did/do intend to get more of a hold on this ocd, get my life back.. get me back.. who the hell i am any mor eim not sure i know.. iv probley mentiond it before but i dont know who i am or whats the ocd and whats me?.. i realy should see a docter, but iv resugned my self to the notion docters are useless! theres so many of you out ther eunder docters that are still dealing with ocd on a large scale that whats the poin tin putting myself through the whole fight agaisnt the will to get there lay it out straight and have to listen to them telling me what i already know.. (im not good at that!) plus im anti drugs.. thogh somedays theres nothing i wish for more then to shove something down my enck and shut off my head for a while..

iv been considering treying the herble route.. but i dont know were to start.. i have no clue and id probley end up poinsing my self with overdose of some vitamin or another..! is that possible?.

Iv been using a forum lately i cant rember if i posted this in the llast post of not but its called 'stuck in a door way' just google it.. ill put the link in the links bit.. Iv put some other links in there too.

anyway yes the forum is realy good for understanding all different kinds of ocd.. iv found it helpful.

anyway im gonna shut up for now and take alook around your pages!..

Happy New year

to everyone..

just a quick ramble realy to say iv mad eup a 'myspace ocd group'

link is..

http://groups.myspace.com/Understandingocd

Its the Season!..

Just a quick if not a tad late! Merry Christmas.. to any one who may pass by :)

Heres to a great new year to everyone..

we can but hope right?..

An attempt at an explanation..

I wonder how to explain ocd.. i sit for so long just thinking about ways to make people understand what ocd is, I wish i could be open i wish i could tell people why i avoide partys gatherings.. new people.. ect.. i wish i could be honest.. i wish i didnt have to avoid people when i see them spontainiously.. i wish it didnt set me off into panick when i walk past people.. i wish i didnt feel everyones eyes on me, judging me,, feeling disgusted by me.. i wish i could stand next to someone withouth boiling up into a panick attack because my head tells me the person thinks im dirty or i smell.. or there embarrassed to be near me.. i wish my head wouldnt conjure up awful imaiges and thoughts of terrible things happeing to people i care about at the flick of a switch (litteraly!( i wish i could put the lid on a bottle close the fridge even say the word fridge or box or other words i cannot even type! because my brain tells me sayng them and doing them means i want the horrible thoughts to happen!.. i wish my mind would shut up.. i wish it didnt have to go round and round repeating the same sentence over and over to counteract the thoughts its throwing at me.. i wish i didnt have to follow stupid rituals and ticks and compulsions to stop the thoughts coming true.. i wish i didnt have to go over and over the same senctence in a book 50 times to make sure i read it propely!.. i wish i could use or even look at certain colours! that in my mind relate to the horrible imigies meaning i cant use look or wear them colours!.. I wish i could walk up and down my stairs with out backing up on myself however many times before i reach the top!..
I wish i could type without deleatingwhole sentences because the 'feel' wrong then retyping it exactly the same way 5 times.. i wish i could write witout blacking over letters by writing over them numerous times..
I wish i didnt burn with embarrassment at the thought of people knowing im 'ocd' I wish i didnt recoil in shame at the thought of my family finding out..
I wish i could kiss my boyfriend without a million other things goin ground in my head.. i wish i didnt have to hit my head to get rid of the thoguhts.. i wish the thoguths would go away..
i wish i didnt have to shake them outtas my head.. I wish i could close boxes.. i which i could close doors.. i wish i could turn off lights!..

I wish the simple things like making a cuppa tea wernt made so damn hard by all of the above!..

But ya know i cope.. i cope because you have to cope.. i cope because iv learnt to cope.. its not easy.. every day is hard.. every day is stressfull.. some more so some less so..

on a bad day.. ill wish i hadnt woken up in the morning..

on a good day.. i'll be gratful it wasnt 'SO' bad..

Update of sorts..

Its been a while i think since i posted propely.. the holiday i was so worried about came and went.. it wasnt to bad! and probley good therapy! cause now i dont have such a fear about going away.. which is good.. there were issues but nothing disapearing off to my room alone wouldnt cure.. ugh apart from an argument with dannys Dad on the last night which was unfortunate, he interfeered with dans mum who was cooking and started slopping burgers onto plates.. only im vegitarian, and he slopped one on the plate set aside for my tofu sausages.. 'quickly looked around to see if id noticed' (which i had) but obviously by the look on his face if i hadnt noticedd the burger would of been pulled off and nothing would have been said. then it was ohh ill change the plate which entailed putting the food off the first plate minus burger obviously onto a second plate... i POLIGHTLY mentoind that i couldnt eat the pease and whatnot off the first plate cause the burger had been dripped over it and they would have cow juice on Then almighty fuss was made by his father that the burger hadnt touched them and blah blah blah.. he wouldnt shut up.. so i just stood up and walked out.. later danny coming to tell me they thought i was being awkward.. oh well.. havent been to his parents since or spoke to his sister (who was the one who made the awkward comment) but they dont know i have ocd and i highly doubt they'd understand so so be it i guese..

Been having some mightly awful dreams of late.. ya know the type that stick with you all day and give you that 'ick dread' feeling.. i realy dont like it.. and in my brain unless i tell someone the dreams they'l come true..

*exasperated sigh*

oh well

here goes another day..

have a good one folks and folketts..

Pasting this in here because it holds relevence to me.. and maybe others too..

Anonymous said...
I am on the opposite end of your conundrum. My boyfriend has OCD, he is very good about covering it up, but some things really bother him. See he is bothered by germs too, most specifically germs from his family. He won't get into too much detail, but he can't touch any of them, and therefor, neither can I. I don't know what to do sometimes, sometimes I want to just tell him to get over it, I don't want to enable him...but instead, I just let him lysol me down just as he would himself. I love him so much and I really want him to get better. Sometimes he says I deserve better and he should just live alone. Do you know how much that hurts? I wish he would explain things to me...like what exactly he thinks is going to happen if those germs get on him, or where it started from...but he won't. The other day he actually said it was because he didn't fully trust me...he thought I would tell someone. That bothers me a lot. I just want to try to understand...and moreover, make sure I don't do anything that is going to make his OCD worse.
September 01, 2006 7:59 PM

Kit said...
hi Anon i felt so utterly compelled to reply to your comment.. You being the person on the other end of the stick the one that loves an Ocd'er.. Believe me I know how hare that must be.. i know how difficult i am to live with and i know what my biyfriend puts up with to be with me..Its taken me a long time to be as honest as i have with Danny about my ocd and we have been together for 5 years now.. he didnt fully understand until i lost my nanna and the grief on top of ocd sent me to another planet! i couldnt hide my ocd from him any longer and he saw to the full outward extent what it does to me.. hes tries so hard to understand but he cant realy because i as in the case with you and your boyfriend i CANT tell him.. you see the outter effects of ocd the compulsions but on the other side of that are the thoughts that surround them.. everyones different and everyone is effected differently.. but it sounds to me like your boyfriend cant tell you what makes him NEED to stay clear of germs because telling someone could in its self cause him more stress and send his anxiety to wash crazy.. it could be that he is too embarrased to tell you what MAKES him so afraid of germs.. what you must remember is how ever crazy his actions are how ever stupid and over the top they seem he KNOWS this too.. People with ocd know that what they feel compelled to do holds no relevence no or little relevence to what there thinking.. but we Have to do it.. and if we try to fight it and not do it, its worse..Your boyfriend has contamination issues about his family? but he dosnt about you? that in itsself is a big thing.. My main issues is obssesive thoughts but i cant tell my boyfriend any of them because because telling him might make them happen.. hes just learnt to not ask.. I hit my head (one of my compulsions unfortunetly) when he first realised he tried to stop me he'd hold my hands down so i couldnt or he'd make a fuss about it.. but now hes learnt that makes it worse and to help he just needs to leav eme alone til i get over that 'episode' you want tohelp your boyfriend the little htings are what help the most.. i understand totaly the ' just get over it' line.. he like every one of us wish we could.. Iv told Danny he deserves better more times then i can remeber.. its not because i dont want him.. I wouldnt be a functioning person if he wasnt here i love him so much.. Im just so sorry he has to live with these complications in me.. your boyfriend probley feels something simeler.. Is he on treatment? there are medications that can help and therapy too but ocd isnt curable.. and unfortunetly knowing there's help out isnt as easy as training your mind into allowing you to ask for it.. I hope you and your boyfriend can come to terms with his ocd it sounds like you love him very much.. Always feel free to ask me for advice anytime.. not that im great with the answers.. but maybe i can give you an insight were your boyfriend realy isnt able too.. good luck xx

Dont want to go dont want to go dont want to go dont want to go dont want to go!!!!!!!

Going On this fated sodding holiday tomorrow with Danny and his family.. lovely gesture.. but the thought of spending 'girlie time' with his mum sister and brothers gf while 'the boys' go off and walk up mountains makes me feel ill in the pit of my stomach.. sends my whole being off into panick mode.. nothing against any of them at all.. i just cant do that sort of thing 'relaxed'
not to mention and not to overstate my 'dirt issues' cause realy they arnt my majour issue but still they are there and make me uncomfortable.. but sharing a cottage which is a holiday cottage so who knows how many random people have spread there muck there.. but sharing it with 6 other people.. sharing a bathroom and a shower with six other people.. does set my comfort radar squealing.. being away from home being so far away with out my own transport and means to get home also is sending me off in a tizz.. *sigh*
i feel like crying! i would LOVE to be able to go i would LOVE to be able to look forward to it as a change from everyday life and a week off work.. but with all this ocd rubbish in my mind i cant.. =( maybe theres a reason i havent has a holiday in 14years! =/
but no getting out of it now.. actualy was no getting out of it from the moment it was sprung upon me.. it was one of those.. Everyone else is going you cant NOT come..
no choice
...

as for other stuff.. bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

good stuff?

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?

oooooooh life is a rollercoaster aint it.. just a few extra bumps for an ocd'er..

=)

xxkit..