How???????

Ok so, im sitting here trying to do ANYTHING but what im sat here to acyualy do!

Iv checked all my emails, didnt take long!, iv nosied the sites i regulry look at, there all down for maintenence, so now im here 'avoiding'

But maybe it'l settle my mind to write here first we'l see,

so to fill you in i started on a course in november, it is stressful but i thought i would be able to cope, its the right kinda stress, what keeps you busy, and keepping busy is the only way sometimes for slight relief to the ever growing racket inside my head, but i got ill, nothing serious but first i got sick for two days, directly after i got a wham bang case of flu, next i got a throat infection and cough, so i have had time off the course, but sad thing is the ocd has caught me hook line and sinker, dragged me into that dark place, and i couldnt even call my tuteres to explain i was ill and couldnt attend the course, so now weeks passed and i havent called, i NEED to try and salvage this, but i look at the phone and soooooowant to call and tel them the truth that i havent called becuse the wory and stress the ocd causes me is making it impossible, things ave changed while iv brrn away too, theres a new tutr, iv never met him i dont know how to start telling a complete strnger the most private secret in my whole life! iv psyched myseld into calling then i just sit and look at the phone, iv thought about just going in and telling them face to face, iv thought about writing it down, and giving them a letter to read,

thinking is what im good at, never stop thinking! its the 'doing' thats near impossible,

anyway iv finaly come to the decision to write it all down, and in some attepmt try and save myself from myself, i realy want to carry on with the course i realy want to make a full effort, and i feel the only way i can do it is by coming clean being honest for once, i want the tuters to know im serious about studying, i dontwant them to think im taking so much time off and just not botherd about it,

but then what will they think????

what do they know about ocd??if anything??

will they just think im a freak???!?!?

will they just dismiss me as being crazy?!

will they feel uncomfortable around me,

fuck cryung now!!! what a waste of time, you no the tears come but its like crying for what???
self pity! yes,
whats the point in crying about something i cant do anything about, i feels so selfish to cry because i have ocd, sp pointless and stupid, but its sooooooooooo hard so compleatly hard to carry on going sometimes, to carry on knowing that ill live in this head for the rest of my life,
crying is like mourning for somone i know i could be if it wasnt for the ocd, knowing i could be a better person, if this thing would just leave me alone.

anyway back on point tear burst over!

I guese its a risk im going to havr to take, brcause if i dont i wont be taken serious,

I thought long about coming clean about the ocd, just stop hidng it, iv wondered if that would take some of the stress off or cause more because id then be thinking everyone knows and thinks im nuts!

were haing friends over omn sat, pretty much all the close freinds will be there im thinking of getting drunk and just blurting it out!

but then these days people pretty much have heard of ocd, but associate it with the typical germs ect, i dont have the germ facter, well not to any abnormal exrent, if i touch somethin gross i have to wash my hands but its no more then that, people make gags about ocd, they dont se eit as a serious thing they dont see it as something that paralises someones life, what was that film, 'as good as it gets'? with jack ncolson as an ocd effective, using his plastic cuterly its a comedy sure, and yes ocd can be funny its so darn stupid its funny, i can laugh at myself, but thats not were it stops, i can laugh on occasion, but i can also cry, i can hit myself, i can wish wasnt alive, i can hate myself, i can hae ocd, it is consuming, but it realy isnt funny, it realy isnt 'nothing'
it realy isnt 'ok'

would it just make freidns ncomfortable to know?

people dont ask you 'hey how are you?' bacause they realy want to know, they just want the answer back that 'yeah alls well'' they dont want to 'know'

iv ried tellling my mum even she dosnt want to 'know' even though she MUST know somrthing is wron with me, she dosnt want to 'know' she dosnt want it confirming, she dosnt care.

so something i dont even feel comfortable telling people close to me i now have to somehow write down and actualy take in to the college, with out freaking out, without having a panick attack on the way,

how do i break off the ocd track to do that??????