Wow, Well i just stumbled back in onthis place, its been along long time since i posted here, i had Forgotton this place existed in all honesty, older wiser.. still ocd, i will update, iv read through some of my old posts, seems a million years ago i was 22! (when i started this Blog), looking back through the posts, some things have improved, somethings havent, but i try and focas on the things that have.. anyway this isnt an update.. its late, il post propely soon, when the risk of typos is down to 50 per sentence instead of a 100.. ;)

Im glad iv found this place again,

but bye for now..

New year new er me? i wish!

i had/have all these plans and asperations for this new year of ours.. 2007.. would be the year i get a hold of ocd by its guey tenticles and sling back were it came from.. a couple of problems with that plan, 1, im not sure ocd has tenticles to grab a hold of, 2, were the hell did it come from?.. and er 3, maybe iv bene wathicng too much smallvile,

but realisticly i did/do intend to get more of a hold on this ocd, get my life back.. get me back.. who the hell i am any mor eim not sure i know.. iv probley mentiond it before but i dont know who i am or whats the ocd and whats me?.. i realy should see a docter, but iv resugned my self to the notion docters are useless! theres so many of you out ther eunder docters that are still dealing with ocd on a large scale that whats the poin tin putting myself through the whole fight agaisnt the will to get there lay it out straight and have to listen to them telling me what i already know.. (im not good at that!) plus im anti drugs.. thogh somedays theres nothing i wish for more then to shove something down my enck and shut off my head for a while..

iv been considering treying the herble route.. but i dont know were to start.. i have no clue and id probley end up poinsing my self with overdose of some vitamin or another..! is that possible?.

Iv been using a forum lately i cant rember if i posted this in the llast post of not but its called 'stuck in a door way' just google it.. ill put the link in the links bit.. Iv put some other links in there too.

anyway yes the forum is realy good for understanding all different kinds of ocd.. iv found it helpful.

anyway im gonna shut up for now and take alook around your pages!..

An attempt at an explanation..

I wonder how to explain ocd.. i sit for so long just thinking about ways to make people understand what ocd is, I wish i could be open i wish i could tell people why i avoide partys gatherings.. new people.. ect.. i wish i could be honest.. i wish i didnt have to avoid people when i see them spontainiously.. i wish it didnt set me off into panick when i walk past people.. i wish i didnt feel everyones eyes on me, judging me,, feeling disgusted by me.. i wish i could stand next to someone withouth boiling up into a panick attack because my head tells me the person thinks im dirty or i smell.. or there embarrassed to be near me.. i wish my head wouldnt conjure up awful imaiges and thoughts of terrible things happeing to people i care about at the flick of a switch (litteraly!( i wish i could put the lid on a bottle close the fridge even say the word fridge or box or other words i cannot even type! because my brain tells me sayng them and doing them means i want the horrible thoughts to happen!.. i wish my mind would shut up.. i wish it didnt have to go round and round repeating the same sentence over and over to counteract the thoughts its throwing at me.. i wish i didnt have to follow stupid rituals and ticks and compulsions to stop the thoughts coming true.. i wish i didnt have to go over and over the same senctence in a book 50 times to make sure i read it propely!.. i wish i could use or even look at certain colours! that in my mind relate to the horrible imigies meaning i cant use look or wear them colours!.. I wish i could walk up and down my stairs with out backing up on myself however many times before i reach the top!..
I wish i could type without deleatingwhole sentences because the 'feel' wrong then retyping it exactly the same way 5 times.. i wish i could write witout blacking over letters by writing over them numerous times..
I wish i didnt burn with embarrassment at the thought of people knowing im 'ocd' I wish i didnt recoil in shame at the thought of my family finding out..
I wish i could kiss my boyfriend without a million other things goin ground in my head.. i wish i didnt have to hit my head to get rid of the thoguhts.. i wish the thoguths would go away..
i wish i didnt have to shake them outtas my head.. I wish i could close boxes.. i which i could close doors.. i wish i could turn off lights!..

I wish the simple things like making a cuppa tea wernt made so damn hard by all of the above!..

But ya know i cope.. i cope because you have to cope.. i cope because iv learnt to cope.. its not easy.. every day is hard.. every day is stressfull.. some more so some less so..

on a bad day.. ill wish i hadnt woken up in the morning..

on a good day.. i'll be gratful it wasnt 'SO' bad..

Pasting this in here because it holds relevence to me.. and maybe others too..

Anonymous said...
I am on the opposite end of your conundrum. My boyfriend has OCD, he is very good about covering it up, but some things really bother him. See he is bothered by germs too, most specifically germs from his family. He won't get into too much detail, but he can't touch any of them, and therefor, neither can I. I don't know what to do sometimes, sometimes I want to just tell him to get over it, I don't want to enable him...but instead, I just let him lysol me down just as he would himself. I love him so much and I really want him to get better. Sometimes he says I deserve better and he should just live alone. Do you know how much that hurts? I wish he would explain things to me...like what exactly he thinks is going to happen if those germs get on him, or where it started from...but he won't. The other day he actually said it was because he didn't fully trust me...he thought I would tell someone. That bothers me a lot. I just want to try to understand...and moreover, make sure I don't do anything that is going to make his OCD worse.
September 01, 2006 7:59 PM

Kit said...
hi Anon i felt so utterly compelled to reply to your comment.. You being the person on the other end of the stick the one that loves an Ocd'er.. Believe me I know how hare that must be.. i know how difficult i am to live with and i know what my biyfriend puts up with to be with me..Its taken me a long time to be as honest as i have with Danny about my ocd and we have been together for 5 years now.. he didnt fully understand until i lost my nanna and the grief on top of ocd sent me to another planet! i couldnt hide my ocd from him any longer and he saw to the full outward extent what it does to me.. hes tries so hard to understand but he cant realy because i as in the case with you and your boyfriend i CANT tell him.. you see the outter effects of ocd the compulsions but on the other side of that are the thoughts that surround them.. everyones different and everyone is effected differently.. but it sounds to me like your boyfriend cant tell you what makes him NEED to stay clear of germs because telling someone could in its self cause him more stress and send his anxiety to wash crazy.. it could be that he is too embarrased to tell you what MAKES him so afraid of germs.. what you must remember is how ever crazy his actions are how ever stupid and over the top they seem he KNOWS this too.. People with ocd know that what they feel compelled to do holds no relevence no or little relevence to what there thinking.. but we Have to do it.. and if we try to fight it and not do it, its worse..Your boyfriend has contamination issues about his family? but he dosnt about you? that in itsself is a big thing.. My main issues is obssesive thoughts but i cant tell my boyfriend any of them because because telling him might make them happen.. hes just learnt to not ask.. I hit my head (one of my compulsions unfortunetly) when he first realised he tried to stop me he'd hold my hands down so i couldnt or he'd make a fuss about it.. but now hes learnt that makes it worse and to help he just needs to leav eme alone til i get over that 'episode' you want tohelp your boyfriend the little htings are what help the most.. i understand totaly the ' just get over it' line.. he like every one of us wish we could.. Iv told Danny he deserves better more times then i can remeber.. its not because i dont want him.. I wouldnt be a functioning person if he wasnt here i love him so much.. Im just so sorry he has to live with these complications in me.. your boyfriend probley feels something simeler.. Is he on treatment? there are medications that can help and therapy too but ocd isnt curable.. and unfortunetly knowing there's help out isnt as easy as training your mind into allowing you to ask for it.. I hope you and your boyfriend can come to terms with his ocd it sounds like you love him very much.. Always feel free to ask me for advice anytime.. not that im great with the answers.. but maybe i can give you an insight were your boyfriend realy isnt able too.. good luck xx

It seems to be becoming a pattern for me to open up the blog sit and stare at the empty box and close it with out writing anything.. iv fallen out with writing about me because i feel boring to my self!
i can rant on and on about ocd about how its effecting me stopping me from doing the simplist of things like having my hair cut going into town day to day living.. but what i cant do is help myself.. iv tried.. and i want it and i just cant do it.. i just cannot bring my self to se ea docter and sit in the chair when asked 'what is the problem' how do i say i have ocd?.. three simple words but they stunt me.. ill end up making something up! or running out of there.. it feels impossible.. but theres only me that can do it..
theres only me that can ask for the help..

Id like to say something realy positive but i cant! ocd has me as pinne dto the floor right about now as ever.. theres alot of stressful stuff going on in my life at the moment so there aint much hope of it easing off..

ah well..

as i said theres only me that can do anything about it.. i guese..

Its been awhile again hasnt it..
I go through blog stages.. writing can turn easily into thinking too much about things i try to sit on.. thinking lead's to all sorts of thoughts that i dont much want..

recently iv been having horrible thoughts of hurting my neice such as dropping her her banging her head and being seriously hurt or worse.. different things.. ya know.. there not nice but i can farley easily push them away without them causing to much aniety and stresscause i 'Know' im always creful when im holding my neice shes precious to me.. and couldnt mean any more to me if she were my own daughter.. she'l be twoin july.. she 's a joy.. pure joy.. her giggle her smile can lighten up my darkest mood.. ya know..
anyway my main thoughts the ones that grip me and i cannot shake are most distressing and there realy is no power in me that can tell my self they are just thoughts and push them away..
but anyway.. im here! so i guese im still dealing..

i would like to put a call out to xendog incase he dosnt see my reply to he comment you left.. plase send me your blog address id realy like to read your blog.. i thankyou for reading mine and giving me the encouragement to continue with it..

So alot of things have been happening recently.. the new job is causing me more stress then it realy should.. my hours have upped from around 20 per week to a most uncomfortable 35 + this week being 41hrs this week.. i say uncomfortable not out of laziness just out of wanting to hide in my house and recoil from the world. and realy it is hard right now.. i work in a pub as well for pitys sake the best job ever for someone with social phobia right?!! iv had many a panick attack start recently some full blown cant gbreath type ones were to keep my 'cover' i have had to hide in the loo or cellar to calm my self down.. i hate the way it makes me feel.. someone can be laughing at the other end of the pub.. but my initial thought is there laughing at me.. instant body burning and aniety attck start.. many time a hsit that happens.. people always tell me to smile more what they dont realise is it takes all my energy to just be there stay sane for the time i am ther eand keep my phobias at bay that there aint no energy left for a constant smile!!
But unfortunetly incapabilty of wroking last year got us into debt and bills call now.. so upping my hours is a must my ocd is gonna have to get used to.. or more like im gonna have to get used to!..
but i am feeling more 'down' then i have for along while.. theres been moods irritabiltiy tears compleat breakdowns but mostly in private so im dealing so far!! its just the overwheliming feeling of depression i have back right now.. its terrible.. i did that test Bb put on his blog.. an online mentle health test.. now im not realy one that would advise such things or realy take them at face value.. but i did it.. and it came back with te o%nuts - Qoo% nuts bar about 2mm away from the 100% nuts no it dosnt realy say 'nuts' but its how i feel!!.. it told me i 'could' be suffereing right now of depression being bi polar manic social phobias and other stuff i forget now lets say lightend my mood anyway! weierd way of looking at it but when yougot soething like that telling you you have just about every mentle stressrelated whateever you can have you gotta laugh! if you dont laugh you cry and im not mush fond of tears.. i hate the taste of salt!

BUt like i said i dont takem them seriously.. i know i suffer with depression i no its bad i no i probley am manic somttimes.. but my depression these days is childs play to what it once was..
when i was growing up i went through a personel hell.. i can deal with the depression.. (i say that now but come back and ask me when its shoving its size 12's up my ass!!!)

ah well i think iv rambled about nothing usefull for quite long enough for one night its nearly 2am.. if i go to bed now i might get to sleep by 4am!!!

again ya gotta laugh.. sadistic isnt it..

Happy easter everyone.. whichever way you decide to celebrat it.. happy easter..

Hello!
its been awhile hasnt it.. various reasons for that realy.. maybe the whole 'anonymous' business did put me off writing how i feel and so forth.. as much as i can pretend otherwise it does did and will continue to bother me.. im ocd! for pitsy sake im a worrier.. what people think of me is an issue to me a bigger one then i would ever lik eit to be.. and i try my darndest to pretend other wise.. but bah..
anyway..
Been a harsh month realy as far as things go.. wrting this right now is taking more effort then it ever should.. you know writing the words out but it not feeling right so im going back and deleating it and rewriting it exactly the same way! ugh its annoying!..

but its late and when im tierd its worse so its my fault i should be in bed but im avoiding the task of the stairs because im tierd and its so draining just walking up the damed stairs! (i have issues with stairs in case you hadnt guesed!)

Things have been worse i guese because of change stress and stuff this month.. mums moved pubs (shes a publican) iv moved jobs.. and this past week iv had this uncredibe headache a full on throbbing behind my left eye.. iv had a couple of nights were iv had to do nothign apart from lay in silence with something over my eyes to block out light.. but it seems to be easy a bit now.. its gotta be tension and stuff.. but when you have a full on compulsion to hit your own head it dosnt help in the slightest! obviously!

Iv picked up the phone so many time sthis month to call docters.. mostly i dial the number and put the phone straight down! a couple of time i actualy got it to ring! but they didnt pick up!.. so i still havent got that sorted.. i have searched for support groups in my area to no avail im afraid.. and i have come to the decision to be open and honest and to try and stop being so ashamed of myself, i decided i would come clean to friends because the ocd has been realy quite paralizing this last few weeks iv not been socialbe at all.. and got a bit of a lecture from a friend over a messenger the other night makes me feel bad making up excuses not to do stuff.. and they know there excuses but just htinkim being lazy! so as soon as i talk this through with a docter and suss out some kinda way forward.. im gonna be honest to friendsr too...

oh another thing im having issues with right now which worries me becuase although iv always had concerns they wernt realy badly obsessive about germs.. at the moment the whole 'germs' thing is gettin to me.. such as i had a packet of crisps on the bar the other day.. and a customer helped himself to one.. i looked at the packet after woods and i could hardly bare to even touch the packet to throw them away! there was no question i couldnt eat them after his germ ridden hand had been inside there.. but not to be able to pick them up with out cringing is abit excessive i think.. thats just one recent incident.. theres been others that are a point of concern for me.. it just tells me again. that i cannot carry on alone in this.. and i realy have got a fixed mind now to try any which way of easing this thing..

Had a few too many set toos with danny recently too.. ocd related.. beign a worrie means i cant make decisions which is a strain.. liek silly things even not llife changing decisions heck id have no hope! but like the other night we were deciding what to have with dinner potaos or chips.. danny wanted me to make a decision cause he wasnt fussed either way.. i kept telling him i didnt mind but he kept on at me.. but ya see i cant even make that desicion because if i said chips then he would have gone out to the chip shop and if anything had of happend that would of been my fault and because i wanted chips.. yet if i said potatos that would mean him using the oven and had he burnt him self on the oven that woulda been my fault.. get it?

i explaind this to him but he dosnt understand not realy.. he tries..