walk of doom

I had a realistation a day or two ago.. i was thinking back to being a kid growing up.. something i try not to do too much.. It wasnt exactly walton'esk ya know.. for years i blamed my life for me having ocd.. i guese i still do.. in a way.. but a while back i realised my life and the stress's added to the ocd probley broguht it on at an early age but it was always in my mind.. always there.. i have a great long term memory.. i remeber thinks other people have forgotton or have been warped in there minds over the years ya know remebering things as they wanted them to be rather then how they actualy were.. happens alot in y family.. i dont.. i remeber as things were and can remeber way back to being 3years old. i believe i even remeber a past life (i beleive in that stuff! eachto ther eown huh.. ) but anyway i also know i have blocked things out.. chosen on some subconcious level not to remeber things.. because when i look deeply enough i know there there.. i try not too.. but back to my realisation.. i remebered how worried i was as a child.. alwaysss alwaysss worried.. id fret instantly if i couldnt get hold of my mum on the phone (she was always out at work or out) thats a big thing for me now still.. but i remeber i would eat sweets but leave 3 or everything.. or if they werrnt singuler sweets id take 3 bites of something and make sure i left three bites.. i always saved things for other people.. and had to give it to that person.. so my realisation is for as long as i have 'known' what is 'up' with me is ocd.. i thought it had started when i was nine.. i now see it started way before.. maybe its always been there..
What started me thinking and remembering i guese is my neice.. the most beuatiful baby in the world! shes nearly 21 months old.. but thing is she hits her head.. pretty similer to the way i hit my head.. or at least the way i started.. i dont know how theesable it is to think a 21month old could be having ocd effects.. but it strikes me as worrying.. maybe im being over paranoid or perceptive maybe i hope so.. but it worries me regardless.. she does it when you tell her shes wrong.. maybe its just a fustration thing.. her mum says its for attention.. i dunno.. and just incase anyones wondering she hasnt ever seen me hit my head so she isnt just copying.. im careful around her..

As for me im pushing myself.. least im trying.. its awful.. being in the street in public is like walking down rope bridge with no handles! it realy is that nerve wracking.. and so in my avoidence i get taxi's.. to and from work.. 6 days a week.. i make Danny get Taxi's too because otherwise id worry too much about him and when im worrying i cant function.. not functioning means not working.. and i cant let my self go back there.. but the taxi's are expensive and the irony is we put dannys car off the road last year to save money.. were spending double now on taxis.. but its a 15minute walk to the bus for my work.. right through the busy city center.. Nightmare.. its alful.. the feeling of panick anxious nervousness.. it takes my compleate concentration not to end up a jibbering wreck on the floor that gasping for air, the people hearing everyone but with selective hearing like there all judging me thinking i smell or im ugly or how fat i am laughing at my wobbley bits wobble as i walk.. (REALITY CHECK i know there not.. knowing and believing are two compleatly different things arnt they..)..
I walked to collect my neice from her nursary also in the middle of town today on my way to work.. i went dizzy and had a wobble a couple of times.. its worse when im alone if im with someone they occupy my mind and it cant go into overdrive ya know.. soas soon as i picked mollie mo up.. i wasnt so bad.. but i realy cant face that walk everyday.. even though i realy want to...

Its been awhile again hasnt it..
I go through blog stages.. writing can turn easily into thinking too much about things i try to sit on.. thinking lead's to all sorts of thoughts that i dont much want..

recently iv been having horrible thoughts of hurting my neice such as dropping her her banging her head and being seriously hurt or worse.. different things.. ya know.. there not nice but i can farley easily push them away without them causing to much aniety and stresscause i 'Know' im always creful when im holding my neice shes precious to me.. and couldnt mean any more to me if she were my own daughter.. she'l be twoin july.. she 's a joy.. pure joy.. her giggle her smile can lighten up my darkest mood.. ya know..
anyway my main thoughts the ones that grip me and i cannot shake are most distressing and there realy is no power in me that can tell my self they are just thoughts and push them away..
but anyway.. im here! so i guese im still dealing..

i would like to put a call out to xendog incase he dosnt see my reply to he comment you left.. plase send me your blog address id realy like to read your blog.. i thankyou for reading mine and giving me the encouragement to continue with it..

So alot of things have been happening recently.. the new job is causing me more stress then it realy should.. my hours have upped from around 20 per week to a most uncomfortable 35 + this week being 41hrs this week.. i say uncomfortable not out of laziness just out of wanting to hide in my house and recoil from the world. and realy it is hard right now.. i work in a pub as well for pitys sake the best job ever for someone with social phobia right?!! iv had many a panick attack start recently some full blown cant gbreath type ones were to keep my 'cover' i have had to hide in the loo or cellar to calm my self down.. i hate the way it makes me feel.. someone can be laughing at the other end of the pub.. but my initial thought is there laughing at me.. instant body burning and aniety attck start.. many time a hsit that happens.. people always tell me to smile more what they dont realise is it takes all my energy to just be there stay sane for the time i am ther eand keep my phobias at bay that there aint no energy left for a constant smile!!
But unfortunetly incapabilty of wroking last year got us into debt and bills call now.. so upping my hours is a must my ocd is gonna have to get used to.. or more like im gonna have to get used to!..
but i am feeling more 'down' then i have for along while.. theres been moods irritabiltiy tears compleat breakdowns but mostly in private so im dealing so far!! its just the overwheliming feeling of depression i have back right now.. its terrible.. i did that test Bb put on his blog.. an online mentle health test.. now im not realy one that would advise such things or realy take them at face value.. but i did it.. and it came back with te o%nuts - Qoo% nuts bar about 2mm away from the 100% nuts no it dosnt realy say 'nuts' but its how i feel!!.. it told me i 'could' be suffereing right now of depression being bi polar manic social phobias and other stuff i forget now lets say lightend my mood anyway! weierd way of looking at it but when yougot soething like that telling you you have just about every mentle stressrelated whateever you can have you gotta laugh! if you dont laugh you cry and im not mush fond of tears.. i hate the taste of salt!

BUt like i said i dont takem them seriously.. i know i suffer with depression i no its bad i no i probley am manic somttimes.. but my depression these days is childs play to what it once was..
when i was growing up i went through a personel hell.. i can deal with the depression.. (i say that now but come back and ask me when its shoving its size 12's up my ass!!!)

ah well i think iv rambled about nothing usefull for quite long enough for one night its nearly 2am.. if i go to bed now i might get to sleep by 4am!!!

again ya gotta laugh.. sadistic isnt it..

Happy easter everyone.. whichever way you decide to celebrat it.. happy easter..