Its been awhile again hasnt it..
I go through blog stages.. writing can turn easily into thinking too much about things i try to sit on.. thinking lead's to all sorts of thoughts that i dont much want..

recently iv been having horrible thoughts of hurting my neice such as dropping her her banging her head and being seriously hurt or worse.. different things.. ya know.. there not nice but i can farley easily push them away without them causing to much aniety and stresscause i 'Know' im always creful when im holding my neice shes precious to me.. and couldnt mean any more to me if she were my own daughter.. she'l be twoin july.. she 's a joy.. pure joy.. her giggle her smile can lighten up my darkest mood.. ya know..
anyway my main thoughts the ones that grip me and i cannot shake are most distressing and there realy is no power in me that can tell my self they are just thoughts and push them away..
but anyway.. im here! so i guese im still dealing..

i would like to put a call out to xendog incase he dosnt see my reply to he comment you left.. plase send me your blog address id realy like to read your blog.. i thankyou for reading mine and giving me the encouragement to continue with it..

So alot of things have been happening recently.. the new job is causing me more stress then it realy should.. my hours have upped from around 20 per week to a most uncomfortable 35 + this week being 41hrs this week.. i say uncomfortable not out of laziness just out of wanting to hide in my house and recoil from the world. and realy it is hard right now.. i work in a pub as well for pitys sake the best job ever for someone with social phobia right?!! iv had many a panick attack start recently some full blown cant gbreath type ones were to keep my 'cover' i have had to hide in the loo or cellar to calm my self down.. i hate the way it makes me feel.. someone can be laughing at the other end of the pub.. but my initial thought is there laughing at me.. instant body burning and aniety attck start.. many time a hsit that happens.. people always tell me to smile more what they dont realise is it takes all my energy to just be there stay sane for the time i am ther eand keep my phobias at bay that there aint no energy left for a constant smile!!
But unfortunetly incapabilty of wroking last year got us into debt and bills call now.. so upping my hours is a must my ocd is gonna have to get used to.. or more like im gonna have to get used to!..
but i am feeling more 'down' then i have for along while.. theres been moods irritabiltiy tears compleat breakdowns but mostly in private so im dealing so far!! its just the overwheliming feeling of depression i have back right now.. its terrible.. i did that test Bb put on his blog.. an online mentle health test.. now im not realy one that would advise such things or realy take them at face value.. but i did it.. and it came back with te o%nuts - Qoo% nuts bar about 2mm away from the 100% nuts no it dosnt realy say 'nuts' but its how i feel!!.. it told me i 'could' be suffereing right now of depression being bi polar manic social phobias and other stuff i forget now lets say lightend my mood anyway! weierd way of looking at it but when yougot soething like that telling you you have just about every mentle stressrelated whateever you can have you gotta laugh! if you dont laugh you cry and im not mush fond of tears.. i hate the taste of salt!

BUt like i said i dont takem them seriously.. i know i suffer with depression i no its bad i no i probley am manic somttimes.. but my depression these days is childs play to what it once was..
when i was growing up i went through a personel hell.. i can deal with the depression.. (i say that now but come back and ask me when its shoving its size 12's up my ass!!!)

ah well i think iv rambled about nothing usefull for quite long enough for one night its nearly 2am.. if i go to bed now i might get to sleep by 4am!!!

again ya gotta laugh.. sadistic isnt it..

Happy easter everyone.. whichever way you decide to celebrat it.. happy easter..