So i was thinking about deleating the whole annoynomous saga of comments and such i dont think this place needs the negativety, then i just kinda thought nope leave it so people can see the kind of ignorant minded people that do unfortunetly feel the need be negative towards others, so for the time bein it is left, i cant promise itl still be left by the end of this post as the whole thought process has begun and my anxiety is already tapping me on the shoulder!, people will read it and judge me on it, they wont like me because of it, ect ect,
Been working lots this week, up'd from 18 hours to around 30, i cant afford for the ocd to stop me working though i normaly only work 4hour days, this week iv done a few 9hour days as one girl was sacked and another is off sick, they were hard, its not to bad because i work in a bar and its not real busy so i can normaly compose my self as such by manipulating the thoughts and repeating in my head to keep me from visualy exploding into ocd in front of people, its not pleasent but its better then then people 'seeing', do you ever feel when you get tierd and complacent that you suddenly realise your following your O's and C's out without realising you were doing it, when i get realy tierd its like my control drops my brain quits its guard post, thats happend a few times this weeks on the longer shifts, i suddenly realised i was washing out a cloth but turning the tap on and rinsing it turnig the tap off, then on then off then on and off and rinsing then squeezing the excess water off the repeating, i suddenly realised when someone banged on the bar for service, then ofcourse the whole didnt turn it off propely starts didnt quite wet the cloth enough, and i had to run straight back and get it 'right'
iv been avoiding a lot this week, not going out once i get home, not realy moving from the one room once i got home from work, in honesty not realy moving from the sofa! even avoiding going to the loo til last minute so i can run straight there and just face the issues on the way back rather then to and from, its a pain in the arse, but its the only way sometimes, Dannys not helping a wholelot at the moment, hes one of these guys that gets up 5 minutes before he has to be at work, books a cab straightaway, runs around shrieking and stressing because hes gonna be late for work, then his cab will turn up and mostly he aint ready so it'l be beeping outside and he starts shrieking because of that and stressing more, then hel run outta the door and the house falls silent and its like a stress ball just exploded then disapeered leaving me to clear up the mess, it realy sets me off in a morning and once hes gone im it'l take me over an hour or more to actualy 'relax' to whatever extent, the amount of times iv asked him not to do this and to make sure he gives him self enough time, iv explained over and over to him it leaves me stressed for the day ahead, but he dosnt realise, see as much as danny sees its tenfold when im alone, he does try though mostly, he cried when he first saw the extent of thing hes cried a couple of times for me, it upsets him, one of my aflictions is to hit my head, thats the one i feel most shame about i guese, it started with tapping my forehead with my knuckel to rid the thoughts outta my head, then it got harder and harder, then my knuckes became swollen and my forehead too it turned to hitting my forehead with the side of my hand, i have a constant knobbly forehead and red bruise on my hand these days, but when the tapping first turned into hitting he tried to stop me, hed put his hands over my head knowing i couldnt hit them, it made the anxiety to do it so much worse, he didnt realise though, i had to explain to him several times it dosnt help, now he will rub my head when my 'spat' is over, he tries in so many ways so hard, he loves me regardless of everything, loving me asks alot of him, i know, so i try and deal with the mornings thing mostly.
Id be lost without him, im not sure id even bother trying,when things are realy bad i still get the notion to just give up, say to hell with it i dont wanna live on in this head, maybe ill have better luck in the next life, i did try that route once when i was 15, i think after realising what was 'different' about me and feeling the shame and embarrasment, i didnt go through with it, i took about 6 pills of the ones i had gotton ready, then there was a knock on the door, i didnt answer it but i peeked, it was my best freind of the time, and i stopped, felt jelly legged and went to bed,
Its not something i recomend dont get me wrong but its something i thought about numerous times ove rthe years and still do occasionly, but while theres someone that loves me in the world i cant,
Im a worrier after all! how can i leave the ones i love in a world like this! without my worrying protection!
i do laugh at ocd sometimes i laugh at my self and the ridiculous of it, probley more so these days then i do cry about it, i just get on with it i guese thats a good thing.
Been working lots this week, up'd from 18 hours to around 30, i cant afford for the ocd to stop me working though i normaly only work 4hour days, this week iv done a few 9hour days as one girl was sacked and another is off sick, they were hard, its not to bad because i work in a bar and its not real busy so i can normaly compose my self as such by manipulating the thoughts and repeating in my head to keep me from visualy exploding into ocd in front of people, its not pleasent but its better then then people 'seeing', do you ever feel when you get tierd and complacent that you suddenly realise your following your O's and C's out without realising you were doing it, when i get realy tierd its like my control drops my brain quits its guard post, thats happend a few times this weeks on the longer shifts, i suddenly realised i was washing out a cloth but turning the tap on and rinsing it turnig the tap off, then on then off then on and off and rinsing then squeezing the excess water off the repeating, i suddenly realised when someone banged on the bar for service, then ofcourse the whole didnt turn it off propely starts didnt quite wet the cloth enough, and i had to run straight back and get it 'right'
iv been avoiding a lot this week, not going out once i get home, not realy moving from the one room once i got home from work, in honesty not realy moving from the sofa! even avoiding going to the loo til last minute so i can run straight there and just face the issues on the way back rather then to and from, its a pain in the arse, but its the only way sometimes, Dannys not helping a wholelot at the moment, hes one of these guys that gets up 5 minutes before he has to be at work, books a cab straightaway, runs around shrieking and stressing because hes gonna be late for work, then his cab will turn up and mostly he aint ready so it'l be beeping outside and he starts shrieking because of that and stressing more, then hel run outta the door and the house falls silent and its like a stress ball just exploded then disapeered leaving me to clear up the mess, it realy sets me off in a morning and once hes gone im it'l take me over an hour or more to actualy 'relax' to whatever extent, the amount of times iv asked him not to do this and to make sure he gives him self enough time, iv explained over and over to him it leaves me stressed for the day ahead, but he dosnt realise, see as much as danny sees its tenfold when im alone, he does try though mostly, he cried when he first saw the extent of thing hes cried a couple of times for me, it upsets him, one of my aflictions is to hit my head, thats the one i feel most shame about i guese, it started with tapping my forehead with my knuckel to rid the thoughts outta my head, then it got harder and harder, then my knuckes became swollen and my forehead too it turned to hitting my forehead with the side of my hand, i have a constant knobbly forehead and red bruise on my hand these days, but when the tapping first turned into hitting he tried to stop me, hed put his hands over my head knowing i couldnt hit them, it made the anxiety to do it so much worse, he didnt realise though, i had to explain to him several times it dosnt help, now he will rub my head when my 'spat' is over, he tries in so many ways so hard, he loves me regardless of everything, loving me asks alot of him, i know, so i try and deal with the mornings thing mostly.
Id be lost without him, im not sure id even bother trying,when things are realy bad i still get the notion to just give up, say to hell with it i dont wanna live on in this head, maybe ill have better luck in the next life, i did try that route once when i was 15, i think after realising what was 'different' about me and feeling the shame and embarrasment, i didnt go through with it, i took about 6 pills of the ones i had gotton ready, then there was a knock on the door, i didnt answer it but i peeked, it was my best freind of the time, and i stopped, felt jelly legged and went to bed,
Its not something i recomend dont get me wrong but its something i thought about numerous times ove rthe years and still do occasionly, but while theres someone that loves me in the world i cant,
Im a worrier after all! how can i leave the ones i love in a world like this! without my worrying protection!
i do laugh at ocd sometimes i laugh at my self and the ridiculous of it, probley more so these days then i do cry about it, i just get on with it i guese thats a good thing.
posted by .. at 2:35 PM
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