Still..

Well i still havent seen a docter.. i realy cant get it into my brain that thay can help.. i dont feel it.. and the thought of going to a docters makes my body burn just sitting here thinking about it.. id get into the room and freak out and wouldnt tell him/her about the ocd anyway.. i know cause there is one person only in the entire world close to me that knows see's my compulsions.. sees me punshing my own head! sees me touching walls shaking my head trying to shake the obsessions outta my head.. he see's me acting nuts.. but i still cant even tell him what drives them.. the obseesions in my head.. i cant tell him what the thoughts in my head are.. and its become an obsession in itsself now to keep them in there if i tell then something bad will happen..

Ugh its soooooooooooo damn ridiculous.. and i Know it.. why can i not just 'Stop'????

anyway.. blah.. if some onehad the answer to that question there woudnt be need for the question in the first place right..

Well i have started back at university!.. on monday.. i pushed my self every step of the way! walking down the street seeing the college aproach closer and closer was like i was walking to doom!.. my body burnt.. my heart raced.. my breath became increasing heavy as if id been running a ten mile treck Uphill!.. now i know im not the fittest of people but thats verging on ridiculous!.. anyway yeah.. panick attack.. ugh.. because i know rationaly my thoughts and worries are stupid i can fight against it concenterate on somethiong else and it seems to work.. any way by the time i got to the gates id pushed it out of my head.. and the day wasnt to bad..
Its hard though i will admit that.. as much as i'd like to think i'll be ok i can cope with uni. im not sure i can.. the work dosnt bother me, its talking to people asking people things the fear of looking stupid by asking the wrong thing.. having my work graded.. presentations in front of the other students!..
the fact that i can never look at my own work and just think yeah thats ok.. i always hate it its never good enough.. i look at everyone elses and think theres is so much better.. i realy need to get over that.. *sigh*

Iv come imensly close to telling a few people recently about the ocd.. one of these days im gonna get drunk and just spit it out!..
Im not gonnabe able to carry on hiding it forever.. it is getting worse.. as much as i'd like to pretend i can controll it i cant always..

blah im sorry i started this blog to show other ocd sufferers they wernt alone.. because truley NO one without ocd can understand it.. they realy cant.. its beyond our resoning as to why we cant stop somethng we know is stupid.. so how are they supposed to understand it?!!..

Anyway what ever the intention for my blog was.. i realy dont think its gonna help anyone!.. im afraid i dont have any insperational words of wisdom on this subject..