walk of doom

I had a realistation a day or two ago.. i was thinking back to being a kid growing up.. something i try not to do too much.. It wasnt exactly walton'esk ya know.. for years i blamed my life for me having ocd.. i guese i still do.. in a way.. but a while back i realised my life and the stress's added to the ocd probley broguht it on at an early age but it was always in my mind.. always there.. i have a great long term memory.. i remeber thinks other people have forgotton or have been warped in there minds over the years ya know remebering things as they wanted them to be rather then how they actualy were.. happens alot in y family.. i dont.. i remeber as things were and can remeber way back to being 3years old. i believe i even remeber a past life (i beleive in that stuff! eachto ther eown huh.. ) but anyway i also know i have blocked things out.. chosen on some subconcious level not to remeber things.. because when i look deeply enough i know there there.. i try not too.. but back to my realisation.. i remebered how worried i was as a child.. alwaysss alwaysss worried.. id fret instantly if i couldnt get hold of my mum on the phone (she was always out at work or out) thats a big thing for me now still.. but i remeber i would eat sweets but leave 3 or everything.. or if they werrnt singuler sweets id take 3 bites of something and make sure i left three bites.. i always saved things for other people.. and had to give it to that person.. so my realisation is for as long as i have 'known' what is 'up' with me is ocd.. i thought it had started when i was nine.. i now see it started way before.. maybe its always been there..
What started me thinking and remembering i guese is my neice.. the most beuatiful baby in the world! shes nearly 21 months old.. but thing is she hits her head.. pretty similer to the way i hit my head.. or at least the way i started.. i dont know how theesable it is to think a 21month old could be having ocd effects.. but it strikes me as worrying.. maybe im being over paranoid or perceptive maybe i hope so.. but it worries me regardless.. she does it when you tell her shes wrong.. maybe its just a fustration thing.. her mum says its for attention.. i dunno.. and just incase anyones wondering she hasnt ever seen me hit my head so she isnt just copying.. im careful around her..

As for me im pushing myself.. least im trying.. its awful.. being in the street in public is like walking down rope bridge with no handles! it realy is that nerve wracking.. and so in my avoidence i get taxi's.. to and from work.. 6 days a week.. i make Danny get Taxi's too because otherwise id worry too much about him and when im worrying i cant function.. not functioning means not working.. and i cant let my self go back there.. but the taxi's are expensive and the irony is we put dannys car off the road last year to save money.. were spending double now on taxis.. but its a 15minute walk to the bus for my work.. right through the busy city center.. Nightmare.. its alful.. the feeling of panick anxious nervousness.. it takes my compleate concentration not to end up a jibbering wreck on the floor that gasping for air, the people hearing everyone but with selective hearing like there all judging me thinking i smell or im ugly or how fat i am laughing at my wobbley bits wobble as i walk.. (REALITY CHECK i know there not.. knowing and believing are two compleatly different things arnt they..)..
I walked to collect my neice from her nursary also in the middle of town today on my way to work.. i went dizzy and had a wobble a couple of times.. its worse when im alone if im with someone they occupy my mind and it cant go into overdrive ya know.. soas soon as i picked mollie mo up.. i wasnt so bad.. but i realy cant face that walk everyday.. even though i realy want to...